Review of the last days

It seems we are both not able to find reasonable compromises.
I give up stuff for him and he does for me and in the end we are both unhappy.
We kill each other with kindness, a nice phrase, but killing can be almost taken literally. Well-intentioned is often the opposite of well done. At least we had our review about the last days. It was not even a fight, just a long and intense talk. I appreciate his way of listening and patiently asking the right questions to make me talk.

The problem is:
How can we find good and reasonable compromises?

He also wants me to say my opinion more often and tell him about my needs. But this is really hard, since I was not brought up that way. And it was not the first time this issue popped up.
I hope we can work it out, find a way to handle our different communication patterns.
I am not willing to give in on him. But if we will fight over it again and again… just because of misunderstandings.

 

Above my own shadow

I surmounted my pride and asked him to talk things through.

Yesterday he was not at home, when I came from work, when I came back from running, after I ran an errand. A friend invited me to a barbecue. On my way there I texted my boyfriend, that I miss him, where I was going and that I texted him because I can communicate. He wrote back immediately and also when he was on the way home. We met at home and I did the first step to clean the air. But he just bombarded me with accusations.

I told him, that this is not helping and got the chance to prove him: he is sometimes not even listening what I tell because he is busy considering his answer while I’m still talking.

After all, now we have a better mood. But it seems he wants me to be more adventurous. He expects me to want to do things I don’t want to do. Quite tricky. I do as a feel comfortable with and even sometimes a little more, but I draw the line. He is just demanding, and not even a little cheering me up. He means so much to me, but we may have a big problem on this.

His hobby and the consequences

He is an enthusiastic  Alpine sportsman. He grew up surrounded by mountains. I like hiking. Sometimes he is OK with it, but generally he prefers activities with more thrill. I’m a little scared, but I try to join him as far as I dare.

While I enjoy running. Therefor I just need good shoes and can go running like everywhere. His hobby has more consequences and restrictions. I wouldn’t have chosen something that extensive (and thrilling), because

• we always have to go to the mountains, make a trip
• on the camping sites all-the-year we need the warmest winter jacket. Even in June there can be snow
• we need a lot of equipment that is expensive to buy (he) or has to be reserved, picked up and brought back (me)
• buying/lending equipment and the gas consumes quite some money
• I also insist on more people coming with us, so someone can save me if necessary, that means more organisation is necessary

These were the most important issues. I quit climbing after about 1,5m. But I knew before. I can’t estimate distances and have already troubles going down irregular steps. Since it is very important to him to share common activities I started white water paddling. Therefor I need a club to borrow

• boat
• paddle
• cagdeck
• life jacket
• wet suit or dry suit
• a lot of bravery

He enjoys teaching me, but I sometimes feel like I always have to explain myself to him. Since I am a beginner I sometimes fall out the boat and hurt myself trying to swim to the shore. As long as I’m not good at handling the boatmanship I need a lot of strength – and regularly I run out after strength after some time. I hope when summer ins coming and I start swimming (not in white water), I will get strong arm and shoulder muscles (again).

Going in circles

Time is passing, but the issues stay the same, the same thoughts, the same troubles and complaints, the same obsessions with which we may can’t live after all. These days are no fun. I fold myself, lock the door, and sit around in my pajamas, rather. I’m not existent. The telephone is off as is the internet connection. Just breathing, being myself. I want to life, not only operate.
Before I will have cabin fever once again.

It seems to be a logistic master piece to get rid of him in a nice way without him being offended. I just don’t want to explain myself. Even he doesn’t my concern. He prefers to have company almost all the time. If I don’t have time he immediately calls someone else to spend time with. Some there-could-have-been-something-more-acquaintance claimed I couldn’t spend time with myself. But in fact he had a problem because I am committed that no one can do nothing. Everyone always do something, even if it is just starring in the air.
Despite this I am jealous of his mobile heater. As soon as I get up in the morning (I have to work), he turns the heater on. He replaces my. When he is angry with my, he even does this in my presence.
I don’t need that much attention or action. I like talking with friends, reading, even running is an iterating process. I prefer a safe lifestyle.
He needs the kick, the action, the challenge. And most of all attention.

This week I will have some time without him to enjoy just being alone. He is fit again and will visit his parents for a week. But he “threatened” to cancel his holiday plans, going to France for 10 tens with some sportsmen – without me. He thinks he will miss me too much. 😮

He also was at his first job interview yesterday, we both have good hope he will get the job. He talked about it over and over, but when I wanted to know what they said about his condition of just working 30 hours he sang small, he didn’t dare to ask. I am just glad and hope he will get his acceptance soon.

If you really love me you would like garlic

A friend of mine asked to join him and another friend in a coffeehouse. I texted him, even though we had appointed the evening for couple stuff – just in case.

He answered he still is sick, has a cold. So I refused my friend’s invitation. When I came home, he wanted to go for a walk. It was heavily raining. I wanted to stay at home. He measured his blood pressure, moaned about his needs to do sports, but having a cold. I suggested if we go for a walk we could pass the coffeehouse my friend told me to be. He refused. He didn’t want to.

I decided to go with him midway and then join my friend for a short time. He said: I give in, but I really don’t like it. I got angry. He could have said: for my sake or something like this. If he didn’t want to go there, I didn’t want him to be there! It was the first time we both land in this blind alley of communication. That’s why I have chosen today’s title after one of Paul Watzlawick‘s books.

We talked a lot walking through the rain. My shoes and socks got all wet and he approved to warm-up in the coffeehouse before going home again.

Appointments – family celebration

We had a family celebration yesterday. To welcome my youngest nephew in our family.
My sister invited both of us. He agreed on coming. Of course I attended.
He even requested to know the dress code.

family celebration to welcome my new nephew age 6 month

But then like three weeks before the event he cancelled, because one of his friends in his old town had invited him to a party.
I was disappointed. After all he had accepted my sister’s invitation.
When I told him, he said: he accompanied me to a family celebration on Christmas, and I haven’t been pleased enough about his sacrifice! I am not a person who leaps of joy and does jigs. He really should know me that well.

I really appreciate that he came with me after Christmas, but I was at his family celebration the days before. So it was kind of just and reasonable that he met my family for the very first time. I was at his mother’s also the year before.
He was the weekend in his old town with his old friends, and I met my family.

I just feel a little like doing something similar when he will ask me the next time for some family event…

I know I am so immature….

Friendship ends with money

He used the milk up. I advised him to go shopping and he said WE went shopping last saturday. (He really emphasized it like this, as if it should be my turn to go shopping again, since he took part last time.)

The thing is – I went shopping on Thursday, on Friday and on Saturday. He accompanied me on Thursday and Saturday, both times even picked quite expensive fish and let me pay. The fish from Thursday he made to a great meal for us. The one from saturday he has eaten all by himself. And I am tired of paying all the food and don’t even get a little bit.

I hope I am not a greedy person. I really don’t want to be, but I am a money saver. And it is not me to buy so much luxury food especially if I not even get a mouthful. I also not have money to burn.

I am aware he has less money, but that is no reason to just let me pay. He may can also choose less expensive food to start with. The other problem is that he eats a lot more, so to be fair he should also buy more food. With our segregated accounts and him being all day home and anyway eating much more than me –  we have to find a way we both feel comfortable about.

But it is hard to talk about money.

I joined a club

Yesterday he accompanied me when I went to an evening event to join a club – to join his hobby.

He wants to be member of a club which offer a lot of activities. I need a club to borrow equipment. So I decided to join another club than him. I thought about paying the membership fee for him too, but he doesn’t think there is any use for him being member of this club. So it is just me. But I am thankful that he came with me.

Later on he made a very good meal. The last days were so nice. I enjoyed the evening and am a little afraid it may will change again.

Today I have to work in the morning. He will work in the afternoon and in the evening he will go out with some friends. When I got up, I said “see you noon”, but then it crossed my mind that I have to do something else before coming home and we may won’t see each other during the day. He offered to call after he has finished his work. Again very sweet of him. I am just not sure if I want to join him going out with his friends. But let’s see.

Hobbies and activities

He wants us to do more together, mainly activities. There are things, he likes, and things, I enjoy. I began a new kind of sport because of him. I am running. I started it with sneakers and cotton t-shirts, meanwhile I have treated myself to some running shoes and even running clothes. But in general I don’t need any special running stuff, just two healthy feet. That was the reason my friends could convince me to go running in the first place.

All his hobbies require a lot of expensive special equipment. Until now I could borrow the things I needed, but it was very difficult. I joined his sport club, to borrow the material less expensive. But they don’t rent everything and I also needed to ask friends for stuff. My lack of equipment was my big argument when he put me under pressure to join him exercise his hobby last time. I can’t borrow all the things within short time, especially when the things have to fit me. Besides I am afraid and he expects to much of me although I am still a learner.

In the meantime I am also a little annoyed with myself because I have engaged in his hobby. He never tried running. So why should I risk my health just to make his life easier when he can combine his hobby with his relationship.

There must be other activities which both of us can enjoy. Tomorrow and this weekend he will exercise his hobby without me. At least this is what I know after getting the mail by the mailing list, he hasn’t mentioned it with a single word.

 

mailing list instead of talking

Next weekend I will be alone. He has planned for next saturday an excursion, asked me to join. But I declined. It is about his hobby, but I will tell more about it in another article. Lately he said he will stay even sunday when the weather is good. But just now I read a mail by a mailing list saying he is looking for people to go there Friday to Sunday, three days. And I don’t think a mailing list counts as communication.

I am annoyed. He always insists on talking. But his rules are not hold good for himself. I would have reacted much cooler when he just told me before; and when he not just cancelled a family meeting, he accepted a month ago and which meant a lot to me.
The big problem is like always to be considerate. He expects to be considered, but he don’t treat me that way.

The coming up question is how should I react? Inform him next time via mail about my activities? It is kind of kindergarten, but it is according to my old egyptian sense of justice (Hammurabi). But I would prefer to keep our relationship alive.