He is gone for the weekend, and I enjoy being alone and missing him.
I told him when I helped him getting ready. I really like the feeling when I do something and miss him to share the experience.
We had a very nice day together yesterday. Nothing standing between us and I’m looking forward seeing him on Sunday again.
After having a good phase we managed to interrupt it.
I’m still suffering from my exhaustion, fighting some cold and he is afraid of being infected. Once in a while I feel leprous. For him it is OK to treat me like this. But then he expected me to do something for him, I never agreed with and refused in this case. He was miffed, stopped talking to me.
During dinner I asked if something was wrong, he said the whole situation. I asked if I can change something. He replied: NO.
Today after breakfast, I asked again. He always wants to talk things through immediately, but since he was not very communicative yesterday, I prefered to give some time to think over. He wanted to know, why I am suddenly so nice to him.
In his mind we were both unsatisfied. But I was not. I just don’t let him blackmail me.
I refuse something, he becomes miffed and I should do as he wants?
For sure: NOT
But we talked it through. In the end he said he feels like I avoid things that are important to him. This hurts. If I’m not the way he wants me, he has to decide, if what I lack in is more important to him than me – and if so, he has to find someone more fitting to his expectations. This awareness hurts so much.
I managed to tell him my concerns without talking about dropping me. He became very nice, just said, I may also sometime are not all happy with the way he is. – He is such a good guy.
I was obviously too optimistic.
I really thought we have some troubles, need some time to get used to each other.
But today he started talking about moving out, he doesn’t believe in our relationship any more.
He doesn’t even want me to be part of a class we have booked to attend in June.
I’m scared, depressed, I don’t think I can survive this breaking up.
He is the only one person I can imagine – I will not find anyone equal or better.
I’m so sorry for all the little stuff which has made us argue.
But if he doesn’t believe in us….
I came home, cleaned our place … and checked the history, because I was curious and I know he prefers watching episodes on my PC which is much less loud.
I see he has watched some animes last night – and today, until half an hour before I came home – and he knows that.
So he left to avoid me?!
And he uses my PC quite more often than I have thought.
He told me I am capricious. I know it is true, especially because it was the only criticism I got by my first “real” boyfriend. The only one I ever had this “happily ever after” feeling before.
He said it because of my behaviour during his club events and because I sometimes stop in action.
The club life thing is difficult for me and he has to try to understand. It is also because my mood is easy to read. When I’m happy I’m lively, loud, full of (stupid) ideas. When I’m not I’m silent, don’t want to answer or just say “don’t know”, because it is rude, incorrect or there are other reasons not to say what I really want to do or be or say.
I also have a problem when he expects me to do all the “work”, i.e. to pet him, to cuddle. He pushes me to be the active part, while he can be lazy and enjoy. I start like a knee-jerk reaction but then I feel exploited and stop. That is what he calls “capriciousness”.
I tried to explain, to invite him to be less passive in different ways, but yet without success.
I don’t want to be capricious, but as long as the same situation ends the same way I see no change.
He had a club activity today, so I choose to visit my sister. He seemed a little disappointed about spending the day separated or because I didn’t want to join him. Yesterday we went out for a beer and after we were too tired for everything.
Today we had to get up early, I let him bring me to the station – which was very nice but not really necessary, just to spend some more minutes together. Then I took the train to visit my sister. We had kind of good timing, when I left my sister he called and asked to meet at a station so we have some common way home. Edit: Making me feel like it matters that we meet soon. But it would have been to complicate and so we decided to meet at home. I was in a hurry to get the next train. Nearly at home, at the last part of my travel he called. He is at a friend’s.
I’m at home, waiting. I really would like to go, meet some friends right now, mainly not be at home when he will come. But no one is available. I’m disappointed. I don’t want to be the one sitting at home. He wouldn’t wait for me either.
I live basically quite economically. I only turn on the lights when I really what to do something. A glass of water I can get me even when it is a bit dim. So that is the situation. I also try to use water I don’t drink for pouring my flowers.
He’s completely different. He actually almost always turns on the lights immediately .When he leaves the room again, he often even not turn them off. He also wastes water and eats pretty quantities in a way I would not let him be a role model for children. But that is another issue. In any case, I cannot buy as much as he feeds. Of course I could, but I don’t know for certain if he will eat. Sometimes he wants then something else, like to order or to eat out, and then I would keep the food and have the risk that it will get bad. Also, I do not see that I have to carry home tons of food when I may not even have a bit of it.
Of course I want him to feel comfortable with me. But I ‘m not his mother. He should start buying the food he actually will eat. I’m not sure how we handle this situation – with water, electricity and also heating (this one also was included in our house rules). I try to be more tolerant. But I have often to resist making a comment. I do not want to appear graspingly. But I don’t feel OK watching him wasting resources. It often contradicts my entire education and instilled concept of environmental protection.