Tag Archives: disappointed

he is homesick

He misses his friends, his old job, his old town. He still doesn’t feel home here.

He talked to one of his friends and wants to have a similar life. Work less and spend the free time with the friends.

Sounds great, for me too, please. But I am too realistic to really expect this to happen. Because my friends are busy anyway, unlike his. And I want to have a safe job. I grew up with sentences like “Business before pleasure”. I have a strong sense of duty.

I feel sorry for him. But it is hard for me to talk and act like I can understand him not taking responsibility for his life. Until he moved in with me he tried to achieve the greatest possible success with the least effort.

It took me also quite some time to make this town my new home, for sure more than a year. So I would prefer if he just life and wait and give life the chance to become suitable. He has a job, some friends here.

If he can’t stand staying here, we would have to find a solution. But for me, as I don’t know anyone in his old town and it is much harder to find a job there, I would have to lose almost everything – to stay with him.

When he told me about his sorrow and homesickness I was not part of his thoughts. He didn’t touch me, hold me, even look at me or mention me. It was like it doesn’t concern me. After we finished I needed a moment for myself, to think about it. He asked about my conclusions and I asked him why his thoughts didn’t include me and that I am willing to find a solution. I asked if it is certain to him that he want to go back. And he said he has no clue what to do.

Our whole relationship has lost ground. How can I start talking about family planning when now everything is unsteady? We need to find a way, a place, a new life – in the worst case. But maybe now is the right moment for family planning, to give him some goals in life, to show him what is important to me, to not get blackmailed by his wishes.

I am not sure what to do. All becomes complicate instead of solve itself.

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He is back!

He returned Monday evening. It happened that I also came back from my exercise and met him so we could carry the stuff upstairs. My mother gave him a shelf for me. I was very thankful, that he brought it to me. I cooked and we had a nice evening. I even gave him a massage. I just was a little disappointed because I couldn’t stop touching him and it felt like nothing came in return.

Yesterday nearly the same, he called when I was still working and asked about our plans for the evening. In the end I went shopping and cooked so we could eat when he came home from work. It was OK since I have a 10 minutes way home and he about an hour. Then I started to put my books in the new shelf. It was again a throw much away process. I also found one of my favourite books and started to read it to him loudly. He enjoyed it. When my throat hurt he asked for a massage. I did it. Then continued my work with the books. In my point of view I was very nice to him this evening and he seemed to feel good. But again he didn’t do anything for me.

We can have a lot of these evenings, I am sure. And I know they are important for a cosy living together. But after these days apart and my warm welcome I really hoped for some … dedication, some action, something to show me he missed me.

I want to feel desired. Especially after  he returned from his mother. I am not his housekeeper, I am not a mother with benefits. I am his girlfriend and I want to feel that way. I start to hate his passive way, he enjoys to be treated but is not ready to move his little finger.

It is embarrassing but I already asked him to be more active, to sometimes bring a little gift, to kiss me more often. He knows but he doesn’t act. How can I show him that I am serious with my requirements, that they are not optional but mandatory to have a working relationship?


silent protest and a thunderstorm

It is so hard for me to talk to him. Especially when there is no time, because everything, even every stupid “My little pony” movie is more important than having a conversation with me. I even considered to make an appointment and sent him a list of points to talk about, but this would generate a lot of pressure on me and I probably wouldn’t be able to open my mouth.

So I kept quietly. Swallowed my anger and waited – for all my problems disappear. Which of course never happens.

He noticed, of course, and even asked, what is the matter. But he didn’t consider anything I told him, that I just wish to be far away, but I don’t know where I can go and it doesn’t makes any difference.

Yesterday I couldn’t stand it any longer and skipped my training to talk to him. I told him everything that’s on my mind. First he got angry and said he doesn’t want to solve riddles. Then I told him by using examples and we started a terrible fight. I also started crying, he was sitting far, far away on the other side of the room, looking, shouting, building a wall between us.

When I didn’t feel like talking any more, I simply stopped. And a long break of silence followed. I started again by telling him that it is not about accusations but about how I feel right now. Again a long pause, he still in distance. Why are people so different? Why can’t he just come to me and hold me tight, when I tell him I feel like a spare prick in a brothel, I’m sad?

Since he was not moving or saying anything, it was my turn again. I asked him how he was. He misses his friends in his old town and feels exhausted by his new work. I was so close to ask, if everything is so awful here why he is not drawing consequences. But I didn’t, luckily, otherwise he would have considered it as request. I couldn’t stop me from asking provocatively if this is really how he feels right now or if it simple his standard answer. But he didn’t respond to it.

It was a clearing thunderstorm, but his reaction also hurt. I feel better to have talked about. But why tell someone when you don’t feel well if not to get comforted? Why even talk if it changes nothing? Just to get a little nice illusion before the next fight?


expectations – once again

Yesterday I was quite fit, today I’m convalescent, tomorrow I will be back to work.

Since I was a little fit yesterday, I used the afternoon to cook one of his favorite meals, I normally refuse to because it is rather laborious. I almost spent the whole afternoon doing so, also because I felt a little weak in between. He was informed, since he doesn’t like surprises. When he came home, he complained that the dinner was not ready. I waited for him to come to start the side dish. If dinner would be ready when he arrived, he would have complained that he can’t have time to arrive mentally or that I stress him. So no matter how I do it is wrong. I hate this.

When we ate, I asked, if he likes it. After all it was his favorite meal. He said I could have added more of a certain spice. He finished 3 portions and lay down on the couch. I cleaned the table and the kitchen, did the washing up. Then I went to bed. I felt so depressed. No thank you – for the meal or for my effort, no word about it has been good or anything.

After a while he followed me. Then he said sorry. I asked what for. He said sorry he has a bad day. I left saying have your bad day without me.

I can give so much effort, he never will be thankful or anything, he never has the wish to do something nice for me. Doing something for him is just a waste of time. There is nothing coming back, no appreciation.

Later he patted my back and said let’s be good again. But this doesn’t make anything well again. And he doesn’t understand. If he cares about me, he would also care about my feelings. And he doesn’t!

Before sleeping we reconciled, but I started to think about asking him to move out. He only cares about himself, he doesn’t even see what efforts I make for him. But it doesn’t feel right any more. I really want a family – with children, but I lose faith it will happen with him. I always have a plan B, but I am froward and I want to hold on to HIM.


grml … he stood me up

The plan was to go to the cinema and afterwards to drink something. It was my proposal, but because he really wanted to see that movie and he complained once in a while that we never go out just the two of us.

We met in front of the cinema, I got the tickets. The whole evening was planned to please him. He got some snack and a drink. When we waited for the movie to start, he told me that a colleague is celebrating and everybody wants him to join. He was in a bad situation, because we had a date, so he came to watch the movie and go to celebration afterwards. He is new in his company and hasn’t have too many friends yet in town, so he wants to use the first social event of his company to maybe find some friends. I grant him this and wish him to find some nice friends with all my heart.

After the movie he insisted on take me to the bus station. I would have preferred to walk, after a day in the office and in the cinema. But he would have thought I’m angry so I took the bus to make him feel better.

I just couldn’t stop me saying: he should never complain that I don’t go out with him after standing me up. I know he is in a bad place, I wouldn’t like to be in his shoes – but I am disappointed. He is having a nice evening (probably) and I am sitting at home.

He should at least have told me before so I would have had the chance to postpone our evening….

 

 


attention whore

As a matter of fact I didn’t break the contact to my ex. We still have an on-going conversation via e-mail, but exchange just one or two mails a month. We call it trial of a friendship. But I know it is not right.

When he wrote the first time, I told my boyfriend. He was not happy about it, but said, he is OK with it. Back then I also told him, we stopped writing. At this moment I really thought that way, because I didn’t get an answer for very long time.

I know it is not good, because of my new relationship, not fair because of my boyfriend and I’m aware it won’t end good for me either. Every time this ex showed himself it ended in disappointment.

So why should it be different this time?

I thought very hardly about it and it may is because of the same reason me and my boyfriend start to fight once in a while. I need attention. It may is the same reason I write this blog. I want to tell about myself.

Before I learned how to write I played to be a car radio, then I started and never ended writing about my life and experiences.

I have friends. And I can tell them a lot, but it happened that I lost a person to talk to about everything. It is probably very rare but I really had someone like this, but when his father died all my problems seemed to be so minor compared to this. So I stopped telling him everything and our friendship developed in a different stage.

My ex never can or is willing to take this place in my life. But he seems to be interested. And this is my weak point. He is married, has a child, lives far away. I never want to be with him again, but I still understand why I have fallen for him.

I feel so bad that I can’t bring myself to quit having contact. It does feel like cheating.


Approval

Yesterday I left early to gift-wrap his birthday present. His birthday will be this weekend.

When he came, I started cooking. Some meat, vegetables in sauce and rice. Because I wanted it to look nice I pressed the rice in a pudding mould, like they do in Chinese Restaurants. He saw me and said

don’t be ridiculous

That hurts. I want to do something nice for us, and he just can’t appreciate it. He enjoyed the meal, so what is the problem.

It is like he talks things I do down, and he refuses my tenderness. I’m really thinking about going out with my friends this weekend. I need some approval, and they and even strangers will give it to me. It maybe is not the best idea to jump into the night life with my defiance, but I know the limits and I just want to be courted a little bit to make me feel better.

It seems everybody has to take care of him-/herself. I don’t like it, especially on his birthday. But he seems to be OK without me.