Tag Archives: making effort

Wishing and demanding

No one can read minds.

It is necessary to say what you want and need.

But just lay back and demand is not the way that makes me want to do something.

His wishes are mostly the same, so he should know that I know them.

But he keeps telling and lately I keep refusing, don’t lift a finger.

IF he wants me to do something for him, he could lay back and wait until I WANT to do something or he could do something for me, make me want to give something back. But that’s not his style. And I am the stupid one because I am not that kind of person. If I wish him to do something for me this wish also includes that he WANTs to do it.

I am worth more than being treated with aversion.

So he demands and I refuse, bad situation. Specially because we haven’t had a big fight quite some time now, but when this is going on there will be dissatisfaction and probably an argument.

We are different personalities. I need to feel welcome and wanted, to him it seems it is more important to get his fingers and toes cracked and popped and this kind of stuff. My aversion doesn’t matter.


a dining table and a talk

He presented me with a dining table! He had listened and obviously understood when I told him how important this is to me. We also use it now in the way I dreamed of. A place to sit, to talk, to be a family.

We have a very nice time, as long as both of us make the effort to keep our relationship working, life is great.

We went out, a friend of mine had a big party and even he happened to know someone there. We had a great time – also because we had enough time to rest and recover afterwards.

Since I got this table I invited some friends to come for a coffee. He baked his first cake ever, with my help. Working together is also something I really enjoy. He even had a nice time with my friends, although he normally is not a big fan of them. But they told some funny stories and it was a cosy atmosphere.

We also went to the indoor paddling training and I still feel my muscles ache. But in a good way. So everyone had something he/she really liked.

In the end we sat together, had a snack and talked about the plans for the coming week, for Christmas time and beyond. This week is quite planned, but everything more was even for me hard to tell. I’m not sure what to do for Christmas time. So he invited me. I can not accept this. It is full of pity, like there is no place else I belong to. I would feel like an intruder in is family routine. I rather lie than spend this time with his family. But it is not sure yet, maybe I will visit my brother, let’s see.

Both of us also has no idea what to do around New Year’s Eve. But we agreed to think about possibilities. Also for the days after, when he has plant holidays and I also decided to take some days off.

I also dared to ask further more. About plans for his life. And he said he can’t imagine having children right now. He has no idea, no concept plans for his life. But he will try to feel home here with me. I wish him to make friends, arrange himself with his job and gets ready to start a family – soon.

This was as far as I could go. Honestly, I hoped for more, but I need to give him time to think about all this. To let him find the path of his life. I just feel a little not taken too seriously. Because it seems that all my plans for life depend on him and he didn’t show any interest in helping me realise my dreams (having a family). I know I have more life experience, I am in the working process so much longer, I am finally happy with my situation, with him and I see him as the father of our children. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but I wait for his approval.

Here a photo of the Russian Cake (the remains I brought to share at work)

Russian Cake

Russian Cake


downtime

We hover. He is tired after work. He let me do, gratefully accepts every treat by me. But he doesn’t act.

I am reducing my action because of these and in the end we both vegetate in the same place with any commonalities.

This may be the worst case.

But yesterday he insisted on watching a movie, and another afterwards. Today he will work quite long and I plan to meet my friends in the evening. There is no time for us. I already miss him, feel left alone.

If he likes me why there is no impulse to comfort me, do something nice for me? He is still the same, always taking.

I am afraid to loose him if I copy his behave and concentrate more on my own person. But it is not good for my, my psyche to always be considerate of him while he acts like he is the most important person in his world.

It is necessary that I feel important too! I really need him to do things for me.


He is back!

He returned Monday evening. It happened that I also came back from my exercise and met him so we could carry the stuff upstairs. My mother gave him a shelf for me. I was very thankful, that he brought it to me. I cooked and we had a nice evening. I even gave him a massage. I just was a little disappointed because I couldn’t stop touching him and it felt like nothing came in return.

Yesterday nearly the same, he called when I was still working and asked about our plans for the evening. In the end I went shopping and cooked so we could eat when he came home from work. It was OK since I have a 10 minutes way home and he about an hour. Then I started to put my books in the new shelf. It was again a throw much away process. I also found one of my favourite books and started to read it to him loudly. He enjoyed it. When my throat hurt he asked for a massage. I did it. Then continued my work with the books. In my point of view I was very nice to him this evening and he seemed to feel good. But again he didn’t do anything for me.

We can have a lot of these evenings, I am sure. And I know they are important for a cosy living together. But after these days apart and my warm welcome I really hoped for some … dedication, some action, something to show me he missed me.

I want to feel desired. Especially after  he returned from his mother. I am not his housekeeper, I am not a mother with benefits. I am his girlfriend and I want to feel that way. I start to hate his passive way, he enjoys to be treated but is not ready to move his little finger.

It is embarrassing but I already asked him to be more active, to sometimes bring a little gift, to kiss me more often. He knows but he doesn’t act. How can I show him that I am serious with my requirements, that they are not optional but mandatory to have a working relationship?


Romantic?

He claimed that I am not a romantic person and don’t understand anything about being romantic. That hurts.
Because I really make a lot of effort just for him. This weekend it was my turn to do the groceries and I bought some specialities I really can’t even smell just because he likes them. It is my way of telling him how much he means to me.
I asked him to stroll trough a park and make a break in a nice little café, even though I don’t like/drink any coffee. I know and respect his need for coffee. As he should mine for sunshine, which he also enjoyed – by the way.
Here we are waiting for his coffee and my water. The cake was served earlier.

Overall we had a nice weekend. Yesterday we even went paddling. That’s why I’m covered with bruises once again.
Even paddling can be romantic, if we keep the focus on the two of us.

I tried to get some idea about the different imaginations of being romantic, but when I read in the internet, it seams most people just live klischees. I don’t want to have lots of candles burning. I would be worried about setting something on fire and probably couldn’t relax. I don’t want to have roses on the floor, because in the end it would be me cleaning it.
I just want gestures of appreciation, attention, feel that he thinks about me.
As a matter of fact, this is being romantic to me.

I’m really curious about his idea of being romantic. But the issue popped up because his friend told that Japanese women propose by offering to clean their beloved’s shoes every day. I don’t know if it is true. But his friend told and said to him this sounds very romantic. This was when my friend claimed I can’t understand. In the present of his friend I didn’t want to discuss the issue and later on I didn’t dare to restart it.

It hurt me and I am scared if I ask him about this again he will answer somethin even more hurting. I am a coward. Why can’t I just talk to this man? His opinions are important to me and at the same time I am afraid.


expectations – once again

Yesterday I was quite fit, today I’m convalescent, tomorrow I will be back to work.

Since I was a little fit yesterday, I used the afternoon to cook one of his favorite meals, I normally refuse to because it is rather laborious. I almost spent the whole afternoon doing so, also because I felt a little weak in between. He was informed, since he doesn’t like surprises. When he came home, he complained that the dinner was not ready. I waited for him to come to start the side dish. If dinner would be ready when he arrived, he would have complained that he can’t have time to arrive mentally or that I stress him. So no matter how I do it is wrong. I hate this.

When we ate, I asked, if he likes it. After all it was his favorite meal. He said I could have added more of a certain spice. He finished 3 portions and lay down on the couch. I cleaned the table and the kitchen, did the washing up. Then I went to bed. I felt so depressed. No thank you – for the meal or for my effort, no word about it has been good or anything.

After a while he followed me. Then he said sorry. I asked what for. He said sorry he has a bad day. I left saying have your bad day without me.

I can give so much effort, he never will be thankful or anything, he never has the wish to do something nice for me. Doing something for him is just a waste of time. There is nothing coming back, no appreciation.

Later he patted my back and said let’s be good again. But this doesn’t make anything well again. And he doesn’t understand. If he cares about me, he would also care about my feelings. And he doesn’t!

Before sleeping we reconciled, but I started to think about asking him to move out. He only cares about himself, he doesn’t even see what efforts I make for him. But it doesn’t feel right any more. I really want a family – with children, but I lose faith it will happen with him. I always have a plan B, but I am froward and I want to hold on to HIM.


Thinking affects talking

It can be so incredible hard to talk to him.

Before talking to him I sometimes start to think about the conversation days before, what to say, how to say, how he may react. In the end I didn’t tell him. Even when he insists on talking – sometimes it is necessary to write it down.

These days I wasn’t feeling very well. I told him everything that happened. But he seems to be missing some empathy or sensitivity to derive how I may feel after having had an experience. I wasn’t feeling well and he made some additional pressure because he relates everything to himself. Partially it is true, but there are much more things going on.

When he left for sports, I wrote him a letter. Unfortunately I just wrote the issues concerning him, that he is informed about all facts, and I’m afraid of telling some consequences because of his possible reaction. It happened that he related everything to himself again. He got angry and wanted to leave for the remaining weekend. I was angry and sad too. Originally I wanted to visit my brother on this weekend, but he accused me “not to leave him alone again”, “there is no one he knows in town”, “I should think in what situation I will put him” and much more. So I stayed.

Maybe I needed the pressure, the “threat”, because finally I could tell him what my problem was. Indeed talking was nice, even tough he may not understand the situation in its entirety. I fear my family dissolves and I really need to belong to someone. I was so afraid of his pity, advices. But of course he related everything to himself, he also had some troubles with his family in the past. But he has a family, a place where he is welcome no matter what happened – while I have to find a place for the next holidays (again) to hide so nobody knows I have nowhere to go and feels pity. I haven’t told him and he will not think of something like this on his own.

After talking we went out, to take our minds off things. A friend of him joined us (so not everyone was gone). He told his friend that the prettiest girls live in his old town and that they should go there. I don’t feel well hearing such things, but when I wanted to tell him, he reprimanded me after we are good again I should not destroy the good mood on purpose.

It is difficult. How comes that everything is according to his rules? He wants me to talk to him, but I am not allowed to say things when I’m unhappy? I know I’m a little/or much hypersensitive right now, but it is no help, when he admits he is egoistic and lazy. If I am worth something to him, he must sometimes make some effort. Otherwise I will become like he is and we will have no future.