Monthly Archives: July 2014

Our anniversary

On Monday when I found out that we were both free yesterday evening, I made an appointment with him to arrange a nice evening. We agreed to go to the movies.

When I arrived yesterday after work I had some troubles with a parcel service. I haven’t got a package yet and it was not to be found. I had to send them a mail with some data. We had a quick greeting. I executed my task. But he didn’t leave his PC. I had a shower, did some laundry. He didn’t leave his PC.

I laid down, started crying. He finally came by, asked. I told him about the parcel service. But it was just part of my problem. He wondered that something like that can throw me off the track. But he didn’t even think about him giving me a reason to self-pity myself. He started to skype and after a while he incited me to hurry. We shall not miss the beginning of our movie. We were on time. We watched the movie. We went home. I went to bed. He didn’t even come to wish me a “good night”.

The whole day/evening was quite sad. No one mentioned our anniversary. I had a gift I didn’t gave because it just didn’t feel right.

I don’t like this our situation, but I have no clue how to change anything. Since I could not fall asleep, I went to the living room and cuddled up to him. I miss him and it hurts that he doesn’t seem to miss me.


holidays haven’t ended yet

We went on a kayak trip Saturday and Sunday. It was really cool. We both asked some club members of his club to join us. I only fell into the water once. But it hurt a lot.

He was very happy, I enjoyed the trip. And I was happy he was happy. 🙂

Today we will do some work for our place (build some shelves) and tomorrow we have our anniversary. We both still have time for some activity. He asked me what I want to do and I still looking for an answer.

I will be happy sitting on the balcony or cooking together.

After the trip

He left. And I had a nice time on my own. I really enjoyed not to be considerate of him. I went out, had a lot of fun, maybe even a little too much. But everything is fine and my conscience is pure.

After his camp we wanted to meet and travel the rest of the route together. That was the plan. But then he became sick. He told me and I kind of ignored it, because I didn’t see its impact on me. Then I understand that he was not sure if and how he was going to come home again. I offered to go to a train station that is reasonable reachable, but he must be able to drive a 3 hours distance. His camp was in the mountains and it was quite impossible to go there by public transportation. On the third day he felt strong enough, so we met at the train station. I bought a ticket for the night train and for another train to go and rescue him.

He seemed to be alright again and didn’t wanted to just be brought home like I expected. So we decided to do our planned road trip, just starting quite closer to his camp. First I just was glad he was fine again. But on the second or third day he wanted to show me some pictures he had taken. I let him show me, but I said: on principle I should not, because he refused to see my photographs after my trip last year. Back then I was so aggrieved, because I really wanted to share my expressions with him and he REFUSED. Later we talked about it and he justified it and said he simple don’t like photographs. But everything I lived to see (since then) doesn’t confirm his statement. When I told him this a few days ago he pouted. And we had a fight taking longer than a day. He accused me of being negative and always looking for something to pick on. He brought up old stories and I simple refused to be accused like this.

I decided to take the train home again the next morning. I told him and the whole day and evening was still tense. But in the morning there was no more bad mood, it was strange. I decided to give us a chance and stayed with him. On the next leg of our route he asked about what I have texted him the weekend before (my last post). And when I told him about my ex wrote me, he said it is ok with him when we write e-mails, but he is not happy.

Later we came to his mother and stayed a few days. She thanked me so much that I went all the way to meet him. We also visited my brother and my grandmother and came home the day before yesterday. We are both still in a good mood.

I hope it stays like this. Now he is awake, I have to go 🙂

Never alone

Since he left, he has called every day. Except the day I wrote him not to. Even when he is away he is omni-present.

Yesterday I went out with some close friends and I told them about my ex contacting me. He wrote some more mails yesterday. I kind of allowed him to write me under certain conditions. But when I told my friends I felt so guilty. Because I would not like my boyfriend mailing with one of his ex girlfriends.

In the middle of the night, and not all sober, I texted him. He was still awake and answered that he has no clue what I want to tell him. But I regretted texting him quite soon.

In the early morning he called. I didn’t answer. Later he called again and when I didn’t answer he wrote me to please contact him, he needs to talk to me. I wanted to postpone this conversation, but I called back. He was worried about his health. He had some earth in his drink yesterday and was afraid to now have some parasites inside him. I have no knowledge about this topic but I assured him he is fine.

But we have to talk, when we will meet again. About this my ex topic and about what is OK and what isn’t in our relationship. I don’t want to make anything wrong. And I know I was always the one avoiding such topics. I am very curious about his former relationships, but I never asked because I don’t want him to ask.

The end of relationships

Some time ago I told about a friend. She visited me and started ignoring me. I wanted to give her some stuff back and get my boyfriend’s book she borrowed instead. So I texted her, when she will have time for me to come and exchange things. She answered she would be out-of-town some days. I waited and wrote again, if she manages to tell me when she will have time. Her reply was: I should not be so insulting. ha? At least she also specified a time slot.

I was more than polite. I came. She opened the door. We exchanged. “Here” – “Thanks” – “Have a nice day” And I left. When going home by bike my legs trembled.

I don’t have many friends and it is very sad to lose one. But her behaviour when she was my gust is just unacceptable. We have common friends, so maybe some day we will meet again and have a nice conversation. At the moment I can see no chance to be friends with her. It was like ending a relationship. It affected me a lot.


The other occurence was a message of my … former boyfriend(?). He called me his girlfriend, even wanted to marry me. From my point of view we never passed the getting to know phase. His message was nothing special: “how are you? kind regards”. He writes like almost every half a year. Last time he wrote: “are you dead?” which gave me a lot of reason to be upset. This time I asked about his motivation and that I don’t like that I even consider about it. I just don’t want to. I also think it is unfair towards my boyfriend.

He (the ex) apologized and claimed we both were victims of his new smart phone’s auto-complete function. I hardly believe it. His new smartphone should not know anything about me. I just want to forget the incident. I don’t want to be involved with this. I hope this time he will leave me alone more than the usual half a year.

Summer nights

He is gone.

On Saturday I picked him up after he finished work. I brought something to drink and we found ourselves a nice spot in a park. We talked, watched other people, enjoyed the warm night. Summer is great!

Yesterday I was swimming with some friends, later we had a barbecue. He joined us spontaneously and it seems he liked it.

It was quite late when we returned home. He wanted us to sit together, but I was very tired and fell asleep. He said I am solar-powered. 🙂

He is going abroad, he has to drive 12 hours alone in his car. I feel bad for him, because I can’t support him. I told him to drive carefully and take good care of himself. He said, it is my job to take good care of him. I am worried about him.

Knowing and feeling

  • His mother and grandmother visited us
  • Yesterday he was at a friend’s
  • Today he has to work
  • Monday he will leave for about 10 days

That’s why we started a fight yesterday. I don’t feel like I am important to him. I know I’m wrong and he explicitly told me. But I still feel this way.

I blame him for staying without commitment. He can’t say if he can join us tomorrow for about 2-3 hours for a barbecue with friend. He couldn’t decide to join this 10 day trip before last Tuesday. So it was to late for me to organise a trip with my best friend in the meantime.

He asked me for us to get along again. But he did ask that question before and even after agreeing he didn’t stopped accusing me. Why should it always be his choice to make peace?

But I agreed. I even offered to pick him up after his work. So we will spend the rest of the night somewhere nice. I need to spend time with him, before he will leave. But I feel like I always give in. I need him to show an act of appreciation.