attention whore

As a matter of fact I didn’t break the contact to my ex. We still have an on-going conversation via e-mail, but exchange just one or two mails a month. We call it trial of a friendship. But I know it is not right.

When he wrote the first time, I told my boyfriend. He was not happy about it, but said, he is OK with it. Back then I also told him, we stopped writing. At this moment I really thought that way, because I didn’t get an answer for very long time.

I know it is not good, because of my new relationship, not fair because of my boyfriend and I’m aware it won’t end good for me either. Every time this ex showed himself it ended in disappointment.

So why should it be different this time?

I thought very hardly about it and it may is because of the same reason me and my boyfriend start to fight once in a while. I need attention. It may is the same reason I write this blog. I want to tell about myself.

Before I learned how to write I played to be a car radio, then I started and never ended writing about my life and experiences.

I have friends. And I can tell them a lot, but it happened that I lost a person to talk to about everything. It is probably very rare but I really had someone like this, but when his father died all my problems seemed to be so minor compared to this. So I stopped telling him everything and our friendship developed in a different stage.

My ex never can or is willing to take this place in my life. But he seems to be interested. And this is my weak point. He is married, has a child, lives far away. I never want to be with him again, but I still understand why I have fallen for him.

I feel so bad that I can’t bring myself to quit having contact. It does feel like cheating.