Tag Archives: expectations

Wishing and demanding

No one can read minds.

It is necessary to say what you want and need.

But just lay back and demand is not the way that makes me want to do something.

His wishes are mostly the same, so he should know that I know them.

But he keeps telling and lately I keep refusing, don’t lift a finger.

IF he wants me to do something for him, he could lay back and wait until I WANT to do something or he could do something for me, make me want to give something back. But that’s not his style. And I am the stupid one because I am not that kind of person. If I wish him to do something for me this wish also includes that he WANTs to do it.

I am worth more than being treated with aversion.

So he demands and I refuse, bad situation. Specially because we haven’t had a big fight quite some time now, but when this is going on there will be dissatisfaction and probably an argument.

We are different personalities. I need to feel welcome and wanted, to him it seems it is more important to get his fingers and toes cracked and popped and this kind of stuff. My aversion doesn’t matter.


incomprehension of priorities

I guess it is one of the given differences and I have to learn to live with it, but WHY does he have to play on his PC when we both have just a little time slot to attend on each other.

On Tuesday I met some former colleagues. When I returned he was busy, with his PC. It is OK that he not immediately jumps as I arrive, but he kept being busy until bedtime.

Yesterday he was out with his colleagues. It is important to him to get to know them better, maybe become friends. After work and before the evening program he came home to have dinner. He called on his way home and  him eating at home included me cooking a meal. I felt a little exploited but I did it because I expected him to spend his little time slot with me. But nothing, after having dinner he continued his PC game. Then he left to spend the evening without me.

In his defence he tried to enthuse me to play his game with him. I play some games, but I am simply not interested in this one. In his company “everyone” is playing that game. Maybe he felt like being put on the spot. I don’t know.

The game is not that bad, it is about building a rocket and sending it to the moon. But I have other stuff to do that is more important to me. He can do as he likes, but it would be great if we only have little time slots to do something with me. I have the feeling like we haven’t talked honestly in quite a long time now.

Today I am going to meet an old friend. So he has lot of time to play on his computer. When I told him that he made a very sweet sound that he prefers me to stay and keep him company or even better play with him.

But instead of me he will find a little present today. I ordered some special tea that we could not find anywhere here. He brought it from his last holiday and since then is swarming about it.


a dining table and a talk

He presented me with a dining table! He had listened and obviously understood when I told him how important this is to me. We also use it now in the way I dreamed of. A place to sit, to talk, to be a family.

We have a very nice time, as long as both of us make the effort to keep our relationship working, life is great.

We went out, a friend of mine had a big party and even he happened to know someone there. We had a great time – also because we had enough time to rest and recover afterwards.

Since I got this table I invited some friends to come for a coffee. He baked his first cake ever, with my help. Working together is also something I really enjoy. He even had a nice time with my friends, although he normally is not a big fan of them. But they told some funny stories and it was a cosy atmosphere.

We also went to the indoor paddling training and I still feel my muscles ache. But in a good way. So everyone had something he/she really liked.

In the end we sat together, had a snack and talked about the plans for the coming week, for Christmas time and beyond. This week is quite planned, but everything more was even for me hard to tell. I’m not sure what to do for Christmas time. So he invited me. I can not accept this. It is full of pity, like there is no place else I belong to. I would feel like an intruder in is family routine. I rather lie than spend this time with his family. But it is not sure yet, maybe I will visit my brother, let’s see.

Both of us also has no idea what to do around New Year’s Eve. But we agreed to think about possibilities. Also for the days after, when he has plant holidays and I also decided to take some days off.

I also dared to ask further more. About plans for his life. And he said he can’t imagine having children right now. He has no idea, no concept plans for his life. But he will try to feel home here with me. I wish him to make friends, arrange himself with his job and gets ready to start a family – soon.

This was as far as I could go. Honestly, I hoped for more, but I need to give him time to think about all this. To let him find the path of his life. I just feel a little not taken too seriously. Because it seems that all my plans for life depend on him and he didn’t show any interest in helping me realise my dreams (having a family). I know I have more life experience, I am in the working process so much longer, I am finally happy with my situation, with him and I see him as the father of our children. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but I wait for his approval.

Here a photo of the Russian Cake (the remains I brought to share at work)

Russian Cake

Russian Cake


he is homesick

He misses his friends, his old job, his old town. He still doesn’t feel home here.

He talked to one of his friends and wants to have a similar life. Work less and spend the free time with the friends.

Sounds great, for me too, please. But I am too realistic to really expect this to happen. Because my friends are busy anyway, unlike his. And I want to have a safe job. I grew up with sentences like “Business before pleasure”. I have a strong sense of duty.

I feel sorry for him. But it is hard for me to talk and act like I can understand him not taking responsibility for his life. Until he moved in with me he tried to achieve the greatest possible success with the least effort.

It took me also quite some time to make this town my new home, for sure more than a year. So I would prefer if he just life and wait and give life the chance to become suitable. He has a job, some friends here.

If he can’t stand staying here, we would have to find a solution. But for me, as I don’t know anyone in his old town and it is much harder to find a job there, I would have to lose almost everything – to stay with him.

When he told me about his sorrow and homesickness I was not part of his thoughts. He didn’t touch me, hold me, even look at me or mention me. It was like it doesn’t concern me. After we finished I needed a moment for myself, to think about it. He asked about my conclusions and I asked him why his thoughts didn’t include me and that I am willing to find a solution. I asked if it is certain to him that he want to go back. And he said he has no clue what to do.

Our whole relationship has lost ground. How can I start talking about family planning when now everything is unsteady? We need to find a way, a place, a new life – in the worst case. But maybe now is the right moment for family planning, to give him some goals in life, to show him what is important to me, to not get blackmailed by his wishes.

I am not sure what to do. All becomes complicate instead of solve itself.


He is back!

He returned Monday evening. It happened that I also came back from my exercise and met him so we could carry the stuff upstairs. My mother gave him a shelf for me. I was very thankful, that he brought it to me. I cooked and we had a nice evening. I even gave him a massage. I just was a little disappointed because I couldn’t stop touching him and it felt like nothing came in return.

Yesterday nearly the same, he called when I was still working and asked about our plans for the evening. In the end I went shopping and cooked so we could eat when he came home from work. It was OK since I have a 10 minutes way home and he about an hour. Then I started to put my books in the new shelf. It was again a throw much away process. I also found one of my favourite books and started to read it to him loudly. He enjoyed it. When my throat hurt he asked for a massage. I did it. Then continued my work with the books. In my point of view I was very nice to him this evening and he seemed to feel good. But again he didn’t do anything for me.

We can have a lot of these evenings, I am sure. And I know they are important for a cosy living together. But after these days apart and my warm welcome I really hoped for some … dedication, some action, something to show me he missed me.

I want to feel desired. Especially after  he returned from his mother. I am not his housekeeper, I am not a mother with benefits. I am his girlfriend and I want to feel that way. I start to hate his passive way, he enjoys to be treated but is not ready to move his little finger.

It is embarrassing but I already asked him to be more active, to sometimes bring a little gift, to kiss me more often. He knows but he doesn’t act. How can I show him that I am serious with my requirements, that they are not optional but mandatory to have a working relationship?


meaning of a dining table

After all this fighting we had an argument again. Because the fridge was empty when I came home and he was eating, but just had cooked for himself.

We both became angry, went to separated rooms and cooled down. Then he came to me, but didn’t say a word. I remembered a talk we had long time ago. He asked why me and my former boyfriend who had lived together have broken up. And I didn’t want to tell about the qualities of my ex so I just said: we lived together, but we didn’t even eat together. I didn’t mention my ex, which was better, because stories about former boyfriends have no business being here.

When we finally started talking, it was really interesting. Because he said that maybe the act of eating together means a lot more to me than to him. And when I considered it he is right. My parents always make us be punctual for diner. When we were late we got punished (grounded, later we had to pay the penalty). Back then I sometimes didn’t like this, but over all it was nice to have all the family gathered. We had time to talk about the day, about things on one’s mind. It was nice and probably I miss this little everyday family events.

I told him that he is right and that this is why having a dining table is so important to me. I sold mine because we needed more space when he moved in. We have talked about buying a new one quite often, but we don’t know where to place it. Yesterday he said for the first time wholehearted that I should buy one if it means so much to me.

Later he complained about our proxy fight (I had a problem about not eating together, but started to fight about an empty fridge). But he understands that the empty fridge also is a problem and that we need to find a solution. He finally admits that he eats a lot more than me and therefore should buy more food. Let’s see if things get better.

Maybe we are back to a normal life without fighting. Let’s see.

At last, he kissed me, again after a long time.

If he just can find a little space for me at the back of his mind…


silent protest and a thunderstorm

It is so hard for me to talk to him. Especially when there is no time, because everything, even every stupid “My little pony” movie is more important than having a conversation with me. I even considered to make an appointment and sent him a list of points to talk about, but this would generate a lot of pressure on me and I probably wouldn’t be able to open my mouth.

So I kept quietly. Swallowed my anger and waited – for all my problems disappear. Which of course never happens.

He noticed, of course, and even asked, what is the matter. But he didn’t consider anything I told him, that I just wish to be far away, but I don’t know where I can go and it doesn’t makes any difference.

Yesterday I couldn’t stand it any longer and skipped my training to talk to him. I told him everything that’s on my mind. First he got angry and said he doesn’t want to solve riddles. Then I told him by using examples and we started a terrible fight. I also started crying, he was sitting far, far away on the other side of the room, looking, shouting, building a wall between us.

When I didn’t feel like talking any more, I simply stopped. And a long break of silence followed. I started again by telling him that it is not about accusations but about how I feel right now. Again a long pause, he still in distance. Why are people so different? Why can’t he just come to me and hold me tight, when I tell him I feel like a spare prick in a brothel, I’m sad?

Since he was not moving or saying anything, it was my turn again. I asked him how he was. He misses his friends in his old town and feels exhausted by his new work. I was so close to ask, if everything is so awful here why he is not drawing consequences. But I didn’t, luckily, otherwise he would have considered it as request. I couldn’t stop me from asking provocatively if this is really how he feels right now or if it simple his standard answer. But he didn’t respond to it.

It was a clearing thunderstorm, but his reaction also hurt. I feel better to have talked about. But why tell someone when you don’t feel well if not to get comforted? Why even talk if it changes nothing? Just to get a little nice illusion before the next fight?