Monthly Archives: August 2014

attention whore

As a matter of fact I didn’t break the contact to my ex. We still have an on-going conversation via e-mail, but exchange just one or two mails a month. We call it trial of a friendship. But I know it is not right.

When he wrote the first time, I told my boyfriend. He was not happy about it, but said, he is OK with it. Back then I also told him, we stopped writing. At this moment I really thought that way, because I didn’t get an answer for very long time.

I know it is not good, because of my new relationship, not fair because of my boyfriend and I’m aware it won’t end good for me either. Every time this ex showed himself it ended in disappointment.

So why should it be different this time?

I thought very hardly about it and it may is because of the same reason me and my boyfriend start to fight once in a while. I need attention. It may is the same reason I write this blog. I want to tell about myself.

Before I learned how to write I played to be a car radio, then I started and never ended writing about my life and experiences.

I have friends. And I can tell them a lot, but it happened that I lost a person to talk to about everything. It is probably very rare but I really had someone like this, but when his father died all my problems seemed to be so minor compared to this. So I stopped telling him everything and our friendship developed in a different stage.

My ex never can or is willing to take this place in my life. But he seems to be interested. And this is my weak point. He is married, has a child, lives far away. I never want to be with him again, but I still understand why I have fallen for him.

I feel so bad that I can’t bring myself to quit having contact. It does feel like cheating.


His birthday

I made a cake with birthday candles. He had to blow the candles out. Then he got a gift. He turned it around, looked so sceptically that I told him “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”. Now it is lying around. He really wanted to have it but he seems not to be satisfied. Later we had a barbeque. It was a surprise party I organised. He guessed we would go bowling. But his friends came and some of mine and we stayed much longer than expected. We even had campfire atmosphere.

Actually I wanted to go out with my friends too. But I needed to recover. I visited two friends to exchange things from the barbeque evening. The rest of the weekend we spent at home.

Yesterday he suddenly became strange. I gave him some time, then carefully approached him. He thinks I do too much. He is overstrained with his new job and now he feels like he is not able to give back what I have done for him. I told him I even would be happy if he put a candle in a chocolate bar on my birthday. Sure I expect something in return. But it should be a kiss, a hug, a nice gesture towards me. I want for him to approach me.

I really miss him doing the first step. I want him to be nice, but of his own impulse. Even when I tell him first it is my initiative again. He is fine with giving me commands, but I really, really need him to do things for me without asking. I know it is more than difficult, because how should he know when and what to do?


Approval

Yesterday I left early to gift-wrap his birthday present. His birthday will be this weekend.

When he came, I started cooking. Some meat, vegetables in sauce and rice. Because I wanted it to look nice I pressed the rice in a pudding mould, like they do in Chinese Restaurants. He saw me and said

don’t be ridiculous

That hurts. I want to do something nice for us, and he just can’t appreciate it. He enjoyed the meal, so what is the problem.

It is like he talks things I do down, and he refuses my tenderness. I’m really thinking about going out with my friends this weekend. I need some approval, and they and even strangers will give it to me. It maybe is not the best idea to jump into the night life with my defiance, but I know the limits and I just want to be courted a little bit to make me feel better.

It seems everybody has to take care of him-/herself. I don’t like it, especially on his birthday. But he seems to be OK without me.


Review of the last days

It seems we are both not able to find reasonable compromises.
I give up stuff for him and he does for me and in the end we are both unhappy.
We kill each other with kindness, a nice phrase, but killing can be almost taken literally. Well-intentioned is often the opposite of well done. At least we had our review about the last days. It was not even a fight, just a long and intense talk. I appreciate his way of listening and patiently asking the right questions to make me talk.

The problem is:
How can we find good and reasonable compromises?

He also wants me to say my opinion more often and tell him about my needs. But this is really hard, since I was not brought up that way. And it was not the first time this issue popped up.
I hope we can work it out, find a way to handle our different communication patterns.
I am not willing to give in on him. But if we will fight over it again and again… just because of misunderstandings.

 


last weekend – the realisation

It was like planned. We met, him, me and my best friend.

While he attended his course my best friend and I did some daytrips.

  • On Friday we explored the surroundings
  • On Saturday we wanted to see a big waterfall. We went by bike about 5 hours there, because we avoided car routes. The way back on the street it took us 40 minutes.
  • Yesterday we didn’t want to do any sport, but it happened to become mountaineering.

I hardly saw him and this was good. But in fact everything was aimed to him. The times we cook, we go to bed, we get up. What we buy.

Yesterday I packed and prepared everything in the morning. When he called to pick him up, I was in a hurry, because I didn’t expect him to finish that soon. My best friend and I had no time to prepare some snack or have a shower after our mountain adventure. After we picked him up, he (my glorious boyfriend) insisted to go back to the camping site and have a shower, have some snack. His needs have more priority than ours. Maybe it is my fault that it is this way 😦 . That was when I got angry. And also because he let me pay everything once again, all the groceries, the camping site, his day-pass for the river.

After a 2 hours ride I cooled down and told him I’m sorry. He said it too. So the remaining way home was not tensed. But at home he started washing his clothes and soiled our place. It was late. I was tired. He was loud, making everything dirty. He kept me from sleeping. And I got angry again.

I really don’t feel like he appreciates me. He is always taking, expecting. He even suggested going on a trip next weekend. But I am tired of investing time, feelings, effort and money in him.


up-comming weekend – the plan

We will go on holiday!

Kind of. He will attend a paddling course and because it is about 6-8 hours away, I decided to accompany him. I also asked my best friend to join me, so I won’t be alone during the course times.

We will meet at noon. We packed and prepared everything yesterday. We will bring our bikes and I printed maps and offers of possible activities.

I pointed out that I just join this trip, so my boyfriend won’t have to drive that far alone again. All week we were busy. There was no moment of quality time, not a slot to be a couple. I miss this and him; and I am also waiting for a sign of appreciation.


Missing communication

Foggy white waterI got photos from our last paddling trip. It was really spooky weather conditions. It rained a lot and later fog ascended from the white water. It was hard to see the upcoming obstacles. I once fell of the boat and crushed against a stone. My elbow is still hurting and doesn’t look too delicious.

He sent them to me via e-mail.

Yesterday I came home a little later, because I had an after work event with my colleagues. He prepared a movie to watch. But I really didn’t want to watch anything. I told him, but he ignored it. So I went to bed. That was it.

I really would have preferred to spend time together. To talk about the day, to simply talk. And maybe be nice to each other. But he had no need for this.