Tag Archives: communication

Wishing and demanding

No one can read minds.

It is necessary to say what you want and need.

But just lay back and demand is not the way that makes me want to do something.

His wishes are mostly the same, so he should know that I know them.

But he keeps telling and lately I keep refusing, don’t lift a finger.

IF he wants me to do something for him, he could lay back and wait until I WANT to do something or he could do something for me, make me want to give something back. But that’s not his style. And I am the stupid one because I am not that kind of person. If I wish him to do something for me this wish also includes that he WANTs to do it.

I am worth more than being treated with aversion.

So he demands and I refuse, bad situation. Specially because we haven’t had a big fight quite some time now, but when this is going on there will be dissatisfaction and probably an argument.

We are different personalities. I need to feel welcome and wanted, to him it seems it is more important to get his fingers and toes cracked and popped and this kind of stuff. My aversion doesn’t matter.


he is homesick

He misses his friends, his old job, his old town. He still doesn’t feel home here.

He talked to one of his friends and wants to have a similar life. Work less and spend the free time with the friends.

Sounds great, for me too, please. But I am too realistic to really expect this to happen. Because my friends are busy anyway, unlike his. And I want to have a safe job. I grew up with sentences like “Business before pleasure”. I have a strong sense of duty.

I feel sorry for him. But it is hard for me to talk and act like I can understand him not taking responsibility for his life. Until he moved in with me he tried to achieve the greatest possible success with the least effort.

It took me also quite some time to make this town my new home, for sure more than a year. So I would prefer if he just life and wait and give life the chance to become suitable. He has a job, some friends here.

If he can’t stand staying here, we would have to find a solution. But for me, as I don’t know anyone in his old town and it is much harder to find a job there, I would have to lose almost everything – to stay with him.

When he told me about his sorrow and homesickness I was not part of his thoughts. He didn’t touch me, hold me, even look at me or mention me. It was like it doesn’t concern me. After we finished I needed a moment for myself, to think about it. He asked about my conclusions and I asked him why his thoughts didn’t include me and that I am willing to find a solution. I asked if it is certain to him that he want to go back. And he said he has no clue what to do.

Our whole relationship has lost ground. How can I start talking about family planning when now everything is unsteady? We need to find a way, a place, a new life – in the worst case. But maybe now is the right moment for family planning, to give him some goals in life, to show him what is important to me, to not get blackmailed by his wishes.

I am not sure what to do. All becomes complicate instead of solve itself.


He is back!

He returned Monday evening. It happened that I also came back from my exercise and met him so we could carry the stuff upstairs. My mother gave him a shelf for me. I was very thankful, that he brought it to me. I cooked and we had a nice evening. I even gave him a massage. I just was a little disappointed because I couldn’t stop touching him and it felt like nothing came in return.

Yesterday nearly the same, he called when I was still working and asked about our plans for the evening. In the end I went shopping and cooked so we could eat when he came home from work. It was OK since I have a 10 minutes way home and he about an hour. Then I started to put my books in the new shelf. It was again a throw much away process. I also found one of my favourite books and started to read it to him loudly. He enjoyed it. When my throat hurt he asked for a massage. I did it. Then continued my work with the books. In my point of view I was very nice to him this evening and he seemed to feel good. But again he didn’t do anything for me.

We can have a lot of these evenings, I am sure. And I know they are important for a cosy living together. But after these days apart and my warm welcome I really hoped for some … dedication, some action, something to show me he missed me.

I want to feel desired. Especially after  he returned from his mother. I am not his housekeeper, I am not a mother with benefits. I am his girlfriend and I want to feel that way. I start to hate his passive way, he enjoys to be treated but is not ready to move his little finger.

It is embarrassing but I already asked him to be more active, to sometimes bring a little gift, to kiss me more often. He knows but he doesn’t act. How can I show him that I am serious with my requirements, that they are not optional but mandatory to have a working relationship?


meaning of a dining table

After all this fighting we had an argument again. Because the fridge was empty when I came home and he was eating, but just had cooked for himself.

We both became angry, went to separated rooms and cooled down. Then he came to me, but didn’t say a word. I remembered a talk we had long time ago. He asked why me and my former boyfriend who had lived together have broken up. And I didn’t want to tell about the qualities of my ex so I just said: we lived together, but we didn’t even eat together. I didn’t mention my ex, which was better, because stories about former boyfriends have no business being here.

When we finally started talking, it was really interesting. Because he said that maybe the act of eating together means a lot more to me than to him. And when I considered it he is right. My parents always make us be punctual for diner. When we were late we got punished (grounded, later we had to pay the penalty). Back then I sometimes didn’t like this, but over all it was nice to have all the family gathered. We had time to talk about the day, about things on one’s mind. It was nice and probably I miss this little everyday family events.

I told him that he is right and that this is why having a dining table is so important to me. I sold mine because we needed more space when he moved in. We have talked about buying a new one quite often, but we don’t know where to place it. Yesterday he said for the first time wholehearted that I should buy one if it means so much to me.

Later he complained about our proxy fight (I had a problem about not eating together, but started to fight about an empty fridge). But he understands that the empty fridge also is a problem and that we need to find a solution. He finally admits that he eats a lot more than me and therefore should buy more food. Let’s see if things get better.

Maybe we are back to a normal life without fighting. Let’s see.

At last, he kissed me, again after a long time.

If he just can find a little space for me at the back of his mind…


silent protest and a thunderstorm

It is so hard for me to talk to him. Especially when there is no time, because everything, even every stupid “My little pony” movie is more important than having a conversation with me. I even considered to make an appointment and sent him a list of points to talk about, but this would generate a lot of pressure on me and I probably wouldn’t be able to open my mouth.

So I kept quietly. Swallowed my anger and waited – for all my problems disappear. Which of course never happens.

He noticed, of course, and even asked, what is the matter. But he didn’t consider anything I told him, that I just wish to be far away, but I don’t know where I can go and it doesn’t makes any difference.

Yesterday I couldn’t stand it any longer and skipped my training to talk to him. I told him everything that’s on my mind. First he got angry and said he doesn’t want to solve riddles. Then I told him by using examples and we started a terrible fight. I also started crying, he was sitting far, far away on the other side of the room, looking, shouting, building a wall between us.

When I didn’t feel like talking any more, I simply stopped. And a long break of silence followed. I started again by telling him that it is not about accusations but about how I feel right now. Again a long pause, he still in distance. Why are people so different? Why can’t he just come to me and hold me tight, when I tell him I feel like a spare prick in a brothel, I’m sad?

Since he was not moving or saying anything, it was my turn again. I asked him how he was. He misses his friends in his old town and feels exhausted by his new work. I was so close to ask, if everything is so awful here why he is not drawing consequences. But I didn’t, luckily, otherwise he would have considered it as request. I couldn’t stop me from asking provocatively if this is really how he feels right now or if it simple his standard answer. But he didn’t respond to it.

It was a clearing thunderstorm, but his reaction also hurt. I feel better to have talked about. But why tell someone when you don’t feel well if not to get comforted? Why even talk if it changes nothing? Just to get a little nice illusion before the next fight?


Visiting a friend with baby

Yesterday it was so grown-up. Me and him went after work to a friend’s house. I waited outside for him. Then we visited my good friend with her husband and their 3 month old baby.

We had dinner, I brought flowers and cake. The baby was so sweet. Her husband was very nice and – very important – included my boyfriend in the conversation. Time was flying. I really didn’t notice and was glad my boyfriend asked to leave.

On our way home I wanted to know if the evening was OK to him. He complained that my friend and I talked to much about common friends and that it took me so long to say good-bye. He may be right about these points, but that is me. I still hope he will go with me on my next appointment with one of my friends.

I try to meet more of my “adult” friends since he doesn’t like my “party” friends, I used to spend a lot of time with. But since I met him the contact with my best friends has loosened. I’m aware that I neglect them too much, but I am sad to notice that they hardly ask me to go out on weekends.

It is better, if he likes my friends and I am thankful that he handles my “grown-up” friends better. It was also a kind of double date to meet another couple. But he was not really interested in the baby – one of the reasons I asked him to go with me.

Maybe I should invite him to a meeting and give him a list of topics we need to talk about – like in my professional live?


Babies everywhere – waiting for a compliment

This week was a little sad. Once again yesterday we sat in front of our PC and played this game. I went to sleep on my own, because I didn’t want to waste any more of my time and also because I was tired. I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t even pull myself together to go shopping, although it was planned.

Today I got up alone, too, and went to work a long time before him.

I am not sure if it is my perception, that I have become more sensitive about this issue, or my friends and colleagues also have grown up – but it is like it is all about babies now. Friends just became parents or grandparents, showing off with baby photos, people on the street pushing buggies, often with more than one child. Everyone and everywhere – with babies.

It starts pressuring me. And I want to talk about it with him. But we don’t talk at all. I often ask about his day, but he is tired or prefers to play with his PC. He doesn’t miss a conversation with me. He should be aware that we haven’t finished this issue yet, because I told him so when we had one of our last big fights. Back than I refused to talk, because I need to talk about this in peace. I want to tell him that I am ready if he is, that I don’t want to pressure him and that it must be a common decision. But also that I’m afraid if we just delay without time horizon that we will never be a family. I need a plan for our common future.

In a tensed situation or during a fight or in a bad mood I simply don’t want to talk about this. I planned to wait and after a couple of “good” days I want to find time and peace to start a conversation about family planning. But the chances obviously aren’t good. How can we get a child if we don’t manage to talk about the planning? It doesn’t match from the beginning. Slowly I become desperate. He senses my bad mood, but this is (as mentioned) a criterion for exclusion to talk about it.

Furthermore, I still/once again miss his appreciation. For over a week now I am waiting for a nice word, a compliment, anything sweet from him. I also miss his interest in my day, my feelings. When I ask him i.e. to ask me, I does it, but he doesn’t act of his own accord. This is a big difference to me. And he doesn’t understand it. This also is a reason why I’m becoming desperate.