Tag Archives: needs

Wishing and demanding

No one can read minds.

It is necessary to say what you want and need.

But just lay back and demand is not the way that makes me want to do something.

His wishes are mostly the same, so he should know that I know them.

But he keeps telling and lately I keep refusing, don’t lift a finger.

IF he wants me to do something for him, he could lay back and wait until I WANT to do something or he could do something for me, make me want to give something back. But that’s not his style. And I am the stupid one because I am not that kind of person. If I wish him to do something for me this wish also includes that he WANTs to do it.

I am worth more than being treated with aversion.

So he demands and I refuse, bad situation. Specially because we haven’t had a big fight quite some time now, but when this is going on there will be dissatisfaction and probably an argument.

We are different personalities. I need to feel welcome and wanted, to him it seems it is more important to get his fingers and toes cracked and popped and this kind of stuff. My aversion doesn’t matter.


he is homesick

He misses his friends, his old job, his old town. He still doesn’t feel home here.

He talked to one of his friends and wants to have a similar life. Work less and spend the free time with the friends.

Sounds great, for me too, please. But I am too realistic to really expect this to happen. Because my friends are busy anyway, unlike his. And I want to have a safe job. I grew up with sentences like “Business before pleasure”. I have a strong sense of duty.

I feel sorry for him. But it is hard for me to talk and act like I can understand him not taking responsibility for his life. Until he moved in with me he tried to achieve the greatest possible success with the least effort.

It took me also quite some time to make this town my new home, for sure more than a year. So I would prefer if he just life and wait and give life the chance to become suitable. He has a job, some friends here.

If he can’t stand staying here, we would have to find a solution. But for me, as I don’t know anyone in his old town and it is much harder to find a job there, I would have to lose almost everything – to stay with him.

When he told me about his sorrow and homesickness I was not part of his thoughts. He didn’t touch me, hold me, even look at me or mention me. It was like it doesn’t concern me. After we finished I needed a moment for myself, to think about it. He asked about my conclusions and I asked him why his thoughts didn’t include me and that I am willing to find a solution. I asked if it is certain to him that he want to go back. And he said he has no clue what to do.

Our whole relationship has lost ground. How can I start talking about family planning when now everything is unsteady? We need to find a way, a place, a new life – in the worst case. But maybe now is the right moment for family planning, to give him some goals in life, to show him what is important to me, to not get blackmailed by his wishes.

I am not sure what to do. All becomes complicate instead of solve itself.


downtime

We hover. He is tired after work. He let me do, gratefully accepts every treat by me. But he doesn’t act.

I am reducing my action because of these and in the end we both vegetate in the same place with any commonalities.

This may be the worst case.

But yesterday he insisted on watching a movie, and another afterwards. Today he will work quite long and I plan to meet my friends in the evening. There is no time for us. I already miss him, feel left alone.

If he likes me why there is no impulse to comfort me, do something nice for me? He is still the same, always taking.

I am afraid to loose him if I copy his behave and concentrate more on my own person. But it is not good for my, my psyche to always be considerate of him while he acts like he is the most important person in his world.

It is necessary that I feel important too! I really need him to do things for me.


a very long day – unthankful or taking for granted

He thinks he has to work too much. But I am the one who does much more. Yesterday I had to start my business trip at 4.50 a.m. and returned after 9 p.m. Working was exciting but all the going there and back home is quite exhausting. When I returned I was tired, but he wasn’t. He got up around 8 a.m. because he waited for the postman. He felt awake and kept me from sleeping. Even tough I was moaning all the time. He insisted to watch a movie together (My Little Pony!!). And he didn’t let me go to sleep even when I complained that such a stupid movie (and it really is) is more important than my need to sleep.

This was the one thing I got angry about and the other thing concerns shopping, again. When I bought some snack I remembered that he was going out of coffee powder. So I asked him if I should bring some coffee powder. He said yes and wanted me to buy toothpaste for him too. He is not using standard normal toothpaste but some special expensive version of it, so I refused. It is clearly something for his own personal use. Why should I buy it? I often brought his shampoo, shower gel, coffee powder, his special coffee sugar, and other special food I can’t stand but know he likes. He takes it all for granted.

I didn’t bring his toothpaste, but his coffee powder – and not even got a “thank you”. He just said, if he would have gone to an electronic retail market he would brought me a really needed hard disk for my PC. Of course I would give him the money to buy it – in contrast to him who always takes everything I buy for him as a gift. A hard disk sure is more expensive but bringing special toothpaste, his shampoo, etc. (all very clear defined quite expensive products) also adds up. And he never brings something just for me. He never bought my shampoo, etc., but it is OK, I can do it on my own as before. He is just to lazy to go shopping and never thinks about me spending money for him. While he refuses if I ask to bring me flowers 😦

We have a real problem keeping the balance. This is also an issue we should talk about, but at the moment he doesn’t think it is worth his time to sit down and talk. I kind of feel alone.


Romantic?

He claimed that I am not a romantic person and don’t understand anything about being romantic. That hurts.
Because I really make a lot of effort just for him. This weekend it was my turn to do the groceries and I bought some specialities I really can’t even smell just because he likes them. It is my way of telling him how much he means to me.
I asked him to stroll trough a park and make a break in a nice little café, even though I don’t like/drink any coffee. I know and respect his need for coffee. As he should mine for sunshine, which he also enjoyed – by the way.
Here we are waiting for his coffee and my water. The cake was served earlier.

Overall we had a nice weekend. Yesterday we even went paddling. That’s why I’m covered with bruises once again.
Even paddling can be romantic, if we keep the focus on the two of us.

I tried to get some idea about the different imaginations of being romantic, but when I read in the internet, it seams most people just live klischees. I don’t want to have lots of candles burning. I would be worried about setting something on fire and probably couldn’t relax. I don’t want to have roses on the floor, because in the end it would be me cleaning it.
I just want gestures of appreciation, attention, feel that he thinks about me.
As a matter of fact, this is being romantic to me.

I’m really curious about his idea of being romantic. But the issue popped up because his friend told that Japanese women propose by offering to clean their beloved’s shoes every day. I don’t know if it is true. But his friend told and said to him this sounds very romantic. This was when my friend claimed I can’t understand. In the present of his friend I didn’t want to discuss the issue and later on I didn’t dare to restart it.

It hurt me and I am scared if I ask him about this again he will answer somethin even more hurting. I am a coward. Why can’t I just talk to this man? His opinions are important to me and at the same time I am afraid.


Babies everywhere – waiting for a compliment

This week was a little sad. Once again yesterday we sat in front of our PC and played this game. I went to sleep on my own, because I didn’t want to waste any more of my time and also because I was tired. I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t even pull myself together to go shopping, although it was planned.

Today I got up alone, too, and went to work a long time before him.

I am not sure if it is my perception, that I have become more sensitive about this issue, or my friends and colleagues also have grown up – but it is like it is all about babies now. Friends just became parents or grandparents, showing off with baby photos, people on the street pushing buggies, often with more than one child. Everyone and everywhere – with babies.

It starts pressuring me. And I want to talk about it with him. But we don’t talk at all. I often ask about his day, but he is tired or prefers to play with his PC. He doesn’t miss a conversation with me. He should be aware that we haven’t finished this issue yet, because I told him so when we had one of our last big fights. Back than I refused to talk, because I need to talk about this in peace. I want to tell him that I am ready if he is, that I don’t want to pressure him and that it must be a common decision. But also that I’m afraid if we just delay without time horizon that we will never be a family. I need a plan for our common future.

In a tensed situation or during a fight or in a bad mood I simply don’t want to talk about this. I planned to wait and after a couple of “good” days I want to find time and peace to start a conversation about family planning. But the chances obviously aren’t good. How can we get a child if we don’t manage to talk about the planning? It doesn’t match from the beginning. Slowly I become desperate. He senses my bad mood, but this is (as mentioned) a criterion for exclusion to talk about it.

Furthermore, I still/once again miss his appreciation. For over a week now I am waiting for a nice word, a compliment, anything sweet from him. I also miss his interest in my day, my feelings. When I ask him i.e. to ask me, I does it, but he doesn’t act of his own accord. This is a big difference to me. And he doesn’t understand it. This also is a reason why I’m becoming desperate.


wedding and mountain

On Friday we went separate ways. I joined the birthday party of my second best friend and he visited a friend. But we decided to go home together, met on our way.

On Saturday my former best friend had his wedding. I really wanted my boyfriend to go there with me. I let him decide what to do the last two weekends so he would come with me. I offered to drive, so he could have some drinks. I think he liked the people there, he even said: these friends are really much more reasonable. I should try to meet them more often and introduce my boyfriend to their friends. Back at home we planned to have a drink together, but it took me some time to change and he did stuff on his computer, so the mood turned suddenly. We went to bed, both unhappy.

In the morning he told me we have to talk. He said I can’t open up to him when I have a problem and also I don’t accept him having a bad time. He doesn’t feel welcome anymore when he is not in a good mood. Then he started talking about a mountain. I’m quite sure I don’t understand what he wanted to say. I asked but it simply doesn’t make sense to me.

There is a mountain and we just can be on the top, if everything beneath is right. We just can climb, if everything below is good. If something down changes we have to go back and fix it. I asked if we can not take a shortcut, or start halfway, so it will be easier, or that we maybe never reach the top, because we will never finish our business on the ground. I told him I don’t understand, but he couldn’t explain it in a way I get it.

We separated again in the afternoon. I went biking. I enjoyed the time on my own, some fresh air and some exercise. He also went biking. When we met in the evening, we were both happy and had a nice time together.

I am so glad he never gives up talking about things. And since the first month living together no one ever thought about moving out or splitting up loudly. We are different, we always will experience our lives in different ways, but as long as we try to talk about conflicts I see a good chance we have a bright future!