Yesterday I left early to gift-wrap his birthday present. His birthday will be this weekend.
When he came, I started cooking. Some meat, vegetables in sauce and rice. Because I wanted it to look nice I pressed the rice in a pudding mould, like they do in Chinese Restaurants. He saw me and said
don’t be ridiculous
That hurts. I want to do something nice for us, and he just can’t appreciate it. He enjoyed the meal, so what is the problem.
It is like he talks things I do down, and he refuses my tenderness. I’m really thinking about going out with my friends this weekend. I need some approval, and they and even strangers will give it to me. It maybe is not the best idea to jump into the night life with my defiance, but I know the limits and I just want to be courted a little bit to make me feel better.
It seems everybody has to take care of him-/herself. I don’t like it, especially on his birthday. But he seems to be OK without me.
I am so scared.
There seems to be no reason. Everything is fine. We had a great weekend. We were at a festival and just on the last evening there was heavy rain and I fainted.
This is maybe because of the scary part of this weekend. I am still waiting for my monthlies and they really let me wait. After all these jokes about getting pregnant, we may actually did it. It was not planned and I can’t remember when/that something went wrong. I just have a bad feeling, and a little fainting attack during the festival.
He was so great. I could talk to him about everything. First I wished to talk to a girlfriend, but I didn’t know to whom. He made some jokes, but he understand and he doesn’t seemed scared. Me probably neither, but I AM.
I am abroad for work the next days. But when I return I will by a pregnancy test on the airport. I wish I just can ignore this situation. Even if I am, I shouldn’t tell it around for the first 4 month. But the only thing I want to do right now, is tell everyone. My mother, my sister, my friends. But I am reasonable, keep quiet. At least I can talk to him!
I am glad to have my time, to over think. But I feel especially lonely at the moment. And I feel so sorry for leaving him in this situation. He sure also has a lot to consider. We should comfort each other, not be separated. But this is life going on.
Today I will take some time off and do some sight-seeing, get other stuff in my mind.
I surmounted my pride and asked him to talk things through.
Yesterday he was not at home, when I came from work, when I came back from running, after I ran an errand. A friend invited me to a barbecue. On my way there I texted my boyfriend, that I miss him, where I was going and that I texted him because I can communicate. He wrote back immediately and also when he was on the way home. We met at home and I did the first step to clean the air. But he just bombarded me with accusations.
I told him, that this is not helping and got the chance to prove him: he is sometimes not even listening what I tell because he is busy considering his answer while I’m still talking.
After all, now we have a better mood. But it seems he wants me to be more adventurous. He expects me to want to do things I don’t want to do. Quite tricky. I do as a feel comfortable with and even sometimes a little more, but I draw the line. He is just demanding, and not even a little cheering me up. He means so much to me, but we may have a big problem on this.
He is like sick all the time, always demanding consideration of his latest complaint.
But this time, he really is sick and I just feel helpless. It started Thursday, with heavy fever. I thought it may be a stomach flu and brought him zwieback. Yesterday he was free of fever. I told him to wait until the evening and if he still is without fever I should stay one more day at home.
But in the evening he wanted to eat some real meal, not just zwieback and tea. I cooked but I didn’t approve it. Even with a stomach flu you should be careful what to eat and how to start eating “normal” stuff again. But I am not his mother, he is grown-up. He even ate some tomato salat – I advised against, I just made a little bowl of it for myself, in fact.
After eating, we watched some TV and suddenly he started shivering, got high fever. He was suffering the night, I couldn’t stand it and slept on the couch. I feel so sorry for him, but I also need my sleep – to stay healthy and take care of him.
In the morning I went to bed again, but he was so hot. I brought him the thermometer and looked in the internet for some available medical help. On weekend it is so hard to find a doctor in the city. Where I grow up, we have a local newspaper which says all the weekendshifts of doctors nearby. Going to the hospital doesn’t make sense, since you have to wait quite some time and this wouldn’t be a pleasure with fever. In the end I found the number of an emergency doctor and told him to call.
I changed the sheets, aired the room while he took a shower. Now we are waiting for the doctor, I am so glad someone is coming!
He doesn’t act reasonably (like what he ate), but the shivering and the fever caused by food, seems to be rather serious.
I need to talk to him.
He is still on his excursion, but our argue isn’t over yet.
I need to tell him how much he means to me, about my feelings and that I ‘m very bad at talking about my feelings for him.
I don’t want to lose him, and I will fight for us until he tells me to stop.
I even asked for help, maybe some therapist can help us, if he allows her to meet her.
I will do everything possible to keep him.
I’m just afraid when he will return there will be other issues and I won’t get the chance to tell him everything written here.