priorities – a weekend alone

It feels so good that I am important to him. He didn’t even watch a movie without me. So we had a nice conversation, about us. It even became funny when he tried to imitate me. I couldn’t stop laughing. I still hope that it is not actually the way I behave. Maybe to him it is not so funny, but when I laughed so hardly he also had to.

So we are fine again. And it was a relief that he left when our relationship is not in trouble. He will not be here for the next days. And I am going to enjoy to have the place to my own. It is great that we still live together and I really hope it will stay like this, but sometimes some days without him make it easier. May I miss him. I hope so.

I told him to call me when he will arrive. He has to go some hours and I also told him to drive safely. I want to know that he will be well received. Then I will meet my friends, go out and have a lot of fun.

Since there is nothing to worry about our relationship I can switch off.

Maybe I have to suffer tomorrow, but it is good to meet my friends with all consequences 🙂

meaning of a dining table

After all this fighting we had an argument again. Because the fridge was empty when I came home and he was eating, but just had cooked for himself.

We both became angry, went to separated rooms and cooled down. Then he came to me, but didn’t say a word. I remembered a talk we had long time ago. He asked why me and my former boyfriend who had lived together have broken up. And I didn’t want to tell about the qualities of my ex so I just said: we lived together, but we didn’t even eat together. I didn’t mention my ex, which was better, because stories about former boyfriends have no business being here.

When we finally started talking, it was really interesting. Because he said that maybe the act of eating together means a lot more to me than to him. And when I considered it he is right. My parents always make us be punctual for diner. When we were late we got punished (grounded, later we had to pay the penalty). Back then I sometimes didn’t like this, but over all it was nice to have all the family gathered. We had time to talk about the day, about things on one’s mind. It was nice and probably I miss this little everyday family events.

I told him that he is right and that this is why having a dining table is so important to me. I sold mine because we needed more space when he moved in. We have talked about buying a new one quite often, but we don’t know where to place it. Yesterday he said for the first time wholehearted that I should buy one if it means so much to me.

Later he complained about our proxy fight (I had a problem about not eating together, but started to fight about an empty fridge). But he understands that the empty fridge also is a problem and that we need to find a solution. He finally admits that he eats a lot more than me and therefore should buy more food. Let’s see if things get better.

Maybe we are back to a normal life without fighting. Let’s see.

At last, he kissed me, again after a long time.

If he just can find a little space for me at the back of his mind…

silent protest and a thunderstorm

It is so hard for me to talk to him. Especially when there is no time, because everything, even every stupid “My little pony” movie is more important than having a conversation with me. I even considered to make an appointment and sent him a list of points to talk about, but this would generate a lot of pressure on me and I probably wouldn’t be able to open my mouth.

So I kept quietly. Swallowed my anger and waited – for all my problems disappear. Which of course never happens.

He noticed, of course, and even asked, what is the matter. But he didn’t consider anything I told him, that I just wish to be far away, but I don’t know where I can go and it doesn’t makes any difference.

Yesterday I couldn’t stand it any longer and skipped my training to talk to him. I told him everything that’s on my mind. First he got angry and said he doesn’t want to solve riddles. Then I told him by using examples and we started a terrible fight. I also started crying, he was sitting far, far away on the other side of the room, looking, shouting, building a wall between us.

When I didn’t feel like talking any more, I simply stopped. And a long break of silence followed. I started again by telling him that it is not about accusations but about how I feel right now. Again a long pause, he still in distance. Why are people so different? Why can’t he just come to me and hold me tight, when I tell him I feel like a spare prick in a brothel, I’m sad?

Since he was not moving or saying anything, it was my turn again. I asked him how he was. He misses his friends in his old town and feels exhausted by his new work. I was so close to ask, if everything is so awful here why he is not drawing consequences. But I didn’t, luckily, otherwise he would have considered it as request. I couldn’t stop me from asking provocatively if this is really how he feels right now or if it simple his standard answer. But he didn’t respond to it.

It was a clearing thunderstorm, but his reaction also hurt. I feel better to have talked about. But why tell someone when you don’t feel well if not to get comforted? Why even talk if it changes nothing? Just to get a little nice illusion before the next fight?

Visiting a friend with baby

Yesterday it was so grown-up. Me and him went after work to a friend’s house. I waited outside for him. Then we visited my good friend with her husband and their 3 month old baby.

We had dinner, I brought flowers and cake. The baby was so sweet. Her husband was very nice and – very important – included my boyfriend in the conversation. Time was flying. I really didn’t notice and was glad my boyfriend asked to leave.

On our way home I wanted to know if the evening was OK to him. He complained that my friend and I talked to much about common friends and that it took me so long to say good-bye. He may be right about these points, but that is me. I still hope he will go with me on my next appointment with one of my friends.

I try to meet more of my “adult” friends since he doesn’t like my “party” friends, I used to spend a lot of time with. But since I met him the contact with my best friends has loosened. I’m aware that I neglect them too much, but I am sad to notice that they hardly ask me to go out on weekends.

It is better, if he likes my friends and I am thankful that he handles my “grown-up” friends better. It was also a kind of double date to meet another couple. But he was not really interested in the baby – one of the reasons I asked him to go with me.

Maybe I should invite him to a meeting and give him a list of topics we need to talk about – like in my professional live?

a very long day – unthankful or taking for granted

He thinks he has to work too much. But I am the one who does much more. Yesterday I had to start my business trip at 4.50 a.m. and returned after 9 p.m. Working was exciting but all the going there and back home is quite exhausting. When I returned I was tired, but he wasn’t. He got up around 8 a.m. because he waited for the postman. He felt awake and kept me from sleeping. Even tough I was moaning all the time. He insisted to watch a movie together (My Little Pony!!). And he didn’t let me go to sleep even when I complained that such a stupid movie (and it really is) is more important than my need to sleep.

This was the one thing I got angry about and the other thing concerns shopping, again. When I bought some snack I remembered that he was going out of coffee powder. So I asked him if I should bring some coffee powder. He said yes and wanted me to buy toothpaste for him too. He is not using standard normal toothpaste but some special expensive version of it, so I refused. It is clearly something for his own personal use. Why should I buy it? I often brought his shampoo, shower gel, coffee powder, his special coffee sugar, and other special food I can’t stand but know he likes. He takes it all for granted.

I didn’t bring his toothpaste, but his coffee powder – and not even got a “thank you”. He just said, if he would have gone to an electronic retail market he would brought me a really needed hard disk for my PC. Of course I would give him the money to buy it – in contrast to him who always takes everything I buy for him as a gift. A hard disk sure is more expensive but bringing special toothpaste, his shampoo, etc. (all very clear defined quite expensive products) also adds up. And he never brings something just for me. He never bought my shampoo, etc., but it is OK, I can do it on my own as before. He is just to lazy to go shopping and never thinks about me spending money for him. While he refuses if I ask to bring me flowers 😦

We have a real problem keeping the balance. This is also an issue we should talk about, but at the moment he doesn’t think it is worth his time to sit down and talk. I kind of feel alone.

Romantic?

He claimed that I am not a romantic person and don’t understand anything about being romantic. That hurts.
Because I really make a lot of effort just for him. This weekend it was my turn to do the groceries and I bought some specialities I really can’t even smell just because he likes them. It is my way of telling him how much he means to me.
I asked him to stroll trough a park and make a break in a nice little café, even though I don’t like/drink any coffee. I know and respect his need for coffee. As he should mine for sunshine, which he also enjoyed – by the way.
Here we are waiting for his coffee and my water. The cake was served earlier.

Overall we had a nice weekend. Yesterday we even went paddling. That’s why I’m covered with bruises once again.
Even paddling can be romantic, if we keep the focus on the two of us.

I tried to get some idea about the different imaginations of being romantic, but when I read in the internet, it seams most people just live klischees. I don’t want to have lots of candles burning. I would be worried about setting something on fire and probably couldn’t relax. I don’t want to have roses on the floor, because in the end it would be me cleaning it.
I just want gestures of appreciation, attention, feel that he thinks about me.
As a matter of fact, this is being romantic to me.

I’m really curious about his idea of being romantic. But the issue popped up because his friend told that Japanese women propose by offering to clean their beloved’s shoes every day. I don’t know if it is true. But his friend told and said to him this sounds very romantic. This was when my friend claimed I can’t understand. In the present of his friend I didn’t want to discuss the issue and later on I didn’t dare to restart it.

It hurt me and I am scared if I ask him about this again he will answer somethin even more hurting. I am a coward. Why can’t I just talk to this man? His opinions are important to me and at the same time I am afraid.

Babies everywhere – waiting for a compliment

This week was a little sad. Once again yesterday we sat in front of our PC and played this game. I went to sleep on my own, because I didn’t want to waste any more of my time and also because I was tired. I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t even pull myself together to go shopping, although it was planned.

Today I got up alone, too, and went to work a long time before him.

I am not sure if it is my perception, that I have become more sensitive about this issue, or my friends and colleagues also have grown up – but it is like it is all about babies now. Friends just became parents or grandparents, showing off with baby photos, people on the street pushing buggies, often with more than one child. Everyone and everywhere – with babies.

It starts pressuring me. And I want to talk about it with him. But we don’t talk at all. I often ask about his day, but he is tired or prefers to play with his PC. He doesn’t miss a conversation with me. He should be aware that we haven’t finished this issue yet, because I told him so when we had one of our last big fights. Back than I refused to talk, because I need to talk about this in peace. I want to tell him that I am ready if he is, that I don’t want to pressure him and that it must be a common decision. But also that I’m afraid if we just delay without time horizon that we will never be a family. I need a plan for our common future.

In a tensed situation or during a fight or in a bad mood I simply don’t want to talk about this. I planned to wait and after a couple of “good” days I want to find time and peace to start a conversation about family planning. But the chances obviously aren’t good. How can we get a child if we don’t manage to talk about the planning? It doesn’t match from the beginning. Slowly I become desperate. He senses my bad mood, but this is (as mentioned) a criterion for exclusion to talk about it.

Furthermore, I still/once again miss his appreciation. For over a week now I am waiting for a nice word, a compliment, anything sweet from him. I also miss his interest in my day, my feelings. When I ask him i.e. to ask me, I does it, but he doesn’t act of his own accord. This is a big difference to me. And he doesn’t understand it. This also is a reason why I’m becoming desperate.