Tag Archives: family

a dining table and a talk

He presented me with a dining table! He had listened and obviously understood when I told him how important this is to me. We also use it now in the way I dreamed of. A place to sit, to talk, to be a family.

We have a very nice time, as long as both of us make the effort to keep our relationship working, life is great.

We went out, a friend of mine had a big party and even he happened to know someone there. We had a great time – also because we had enough time to rest and recover afterwards.

Since I got this table I invited some friends to come for a coffee. He baked his first cake ever, with my help. Working together is also something I really enjoy. He even had a nice time with my friends, although he normally is not a big fan of them. But they told some funny stories and it was a cosy atmosphere.

We also went to the indoor paddling training and I still feel my muscles ache. But in a good way. So everyone had something he/she really liked.

In the end we sat together, had a snack and talked about the plans for the coming week, for Christmas time and beyond. This week is quite planned, but everything more was even for me hard to tell. I’m not sure what to do for Christmas time. So he invited me. I can not accept this. It is full of pity, like there is no place else I belong to. I would feel like an intruder in is family routine. I rather lie than spend this time with his family. But it is not sure yet, maybe I will visit my brother, let’s see.

Both of us also has no idea what to do around New Year’s Eve. But we agreed to think about possibilities. Also for the days after, when he has plant holidays and I also decided to take some days off.

I also dared to ask further more. About plans for his life. And he said he can’t imagine having children right now. He has no idea, no concept plans for his life. But he will try to feel home here with me. I wish him to make friends, arrange himself with his job and gets ready to start a family – soon.

This was as far as I could go. Honestly, I hoped for more, but I need to give him time to think about all this. To let him find the path of his life. I just feel a little not taken too seriously. Because it seems that all my plans for life depend on him and he didn’t show any interest in helping me realise my dreams (having a family). I know I have more life experience, I am in the working process so much longer, I am finally happy with my situation, with him and I see him as the father of our children. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but I wait for his approval.

Here a photo of the Russian Cake (the remains I brought to share at work)

Russian Cake

Russian Cake

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Family for a weekend

I was with my family last week. I helped my youngest brother to move out and on Friday I took my little favorite niece to come with me. He was informed and said it is OK to bring her. She is 6 years now, and a sweet little girl. I invited her before, but her mother, my sister wasn’t sure if she might be afraid.

Everything was fine. She even slept alone in the living room. She was neat and well-behaved.

On Friday we went to the amusement arcade. She never admit she was tired, but when I brought her to bed, she fell asleep within minutes.

On Saturday we went to an amusement park. She sat the first time on a horse back and also was not afraid to try a lot of fun fair attractions. I can’t go on roller-coasters, so I asked my boyfriend to accompany her. At last he invited all of us on a wild water slide. What I didn’t know, our boat was spun very much. He was sitting opposite to me, I was holding my niece. And I was crying. I latched onto the handle and my niece, but had to be careful not to bruise her. After surviving that slide, I had headache, I felt so sick, I just wanted to go home. He became wet and also wanted to go home. But the little girl wasn’t tired of this action. But she had to come with us. At home we cooked, ate and rested.

In my town there was a special night, where lot of tourist attractions, museums and other places were open during the night. We went there until 11 o’clock. Until the very end she was jumping around, just on the ride home she finally almost fell asleep. At home we just used the bathroom and then I brought her to bed, where she slept immediately.

On Sunday was our last day together, we went to a children’s playground. My boyfriend and I were quite tired, she was running and jumping around, requesting our help. In the afternoon I brought her home by train. I was really impressed and proud to have such a good niece.

Back at home, finally the two of us together. But I didn’t feel well. I said thank you for spending the weekend with us, because it would been OK if he met his friends instead. He said he likes the little girl, but she is very exhausting. I hope he still wants to have own children, because I enjoyed the time as fake family.

Even if it is true, I became sick because of a virus. That’s why I will spend the next days at home.


little lies without significance

I went to see my family. I have to work in this district and planned to stay one more day with my family. Then I decided to come here one day before, that was today. But I told him, I have to work here today too.

I lied. Because I don’t want him to reproach me that I have not enough time for him, that I’m so much away, that I just come home for sleeping. He will go to meet his family end of this month and stay there some days. I’m more than OK with this, I enjoy some time without him so much. I like to miss him. He doesn’t share this attitude.

It is not just this time, I also lied when I bought some equipment for paddling because I was embarrassed. It doesn’t make any sense, he would be more than glad to help my buy some paddling stuff, but for me it is kind of stealing his hobby, when it is getting important to me too. I also lied about still having contact (mails) with my exfriend, even when he told me he is OK with it (but doesn’t like it).

Lying is bad and I feel bad every time I “have” to. I want to be a good person, and a good girlfriend. He is so good, there is no use in not telling the truth.


Thinking affects talking

It can be so incredible hard to talk to him.

Before talking to him I sometimes start to think about the conversation days before, what to say, how to say, how he may react. In the end I didn’t tell him. Even when he insists on talking – sometimes it is necessary to write it down.

These days I wasn’t feeling very well. I told him everything that happened. But he seems to be missing some empathy or sensitivity to derive how I may feel after having had an experience. I wasn’t feeling well and he made some additional pressure because he relates everything to himself. Partially it is true, but there are much more things going on.

When he left for sports, I wrote him a letter. Unfortunately I just wrote the issues concerning him, that he is informed about all facts, and I’m afraid of telling some consequences because of his possible reaction. It happened that he related everything to himself again. He got angry and wanted to leave for the remaining weekend. I was angry and sad too. Originally I wanted to visit my brother on this weekend, but he accused me “not to leave him alone again”, “there is no one he knows in town”, “I should think in what situation I will put him” and much more. So I stayed.

Maybe I needed the pressure, the “threat”, because finally I could tell him what my problem was. Indeed talking was nice, even tough he may not understand the situation in its entirety. I fear my family dissolves and I really need to belong to someone. I was so afraid of his pity, advices. But of course he related everything to himself, he also had some troubles with his family in the past. But he has a family, a place where he is welcome no matter what happened – while I have to find a place for the next holidays (again) to hide so nobody knows I have nowhere to go and feels pity. I haven’t told him and he will not think of something like this on his own.

After talking we went out, to take our minds off things. A friend of him joined us (so not everyone was gone). He told his friend that the prettiest girls live in his old town and that they should go there. I don’t feel well hearing such things, but when I wanted to tell him, he reprimanded me after we are good again I should not destroy the good mood on purpose.

It is difficult. How comes that everything is according to his rules? He wants me to talk to him, but I am not allowed to say things when I’m unhappy? I know I’m a little/or much hypersensitive right now, but it is no help, when he admits he is egoistic and lazy. If I am worth something to him, he must sometimes make some effort. Otherwise I will become like he is and we will have no future.


Holidays

I’m on holiday. This morning we had a flash back.

Monday earliest morning he kissed me good-bye at the door so I get the first train home. Just this time it was not from his former place, but our place and I went home to my family. But the whole situation was like when we had our long-distance relationship.

After a week living just next to each other we had a really great weekend. He cared and was so attentive. I told him that he is great and how much I appreciate his behaviour. I hope he will be like this more often.

Now I have some days off – off work, off him. I stay with my family. My sister and her husband need to do some work on their place and I offered to take care of her children. My mother and I wanted to share them, but now she is sick and I had to take care of her, of cooking, laundry, three little children. It was quite a day. My sister and her husband came for lunch and I was so glad, when she at least took the youngest with her. He cried a lot and I didn’t now if and what he is allowed to eat.

I hope he misses me and will be happy when I will come home again. He told me he wants me to accompany him to his camp next year, I should save two weeks of my holidays. The other thing is his company closes in winter and he has to take two weeks of his holidays there. He hasn’t aske if I will also go on holiday to do something together. Let’s see.


After the trip

He left. And I had a nice time on my own. I really enjoyed not to be considerate of him. I went out, had a lot of fun, maybe even a little too much. But everything is fine and my conscience is pure.

After his camp we wanted to meet and travel the rest of the route together. That was the plan. But then he became sick. He told me and I kind of ignored it, because I didn’t see its impact on me. Then I understand that he was not sure if and how he was going to come home again. I offered to go to a train station that is reasonable reachable, but he must be able to drive a 3 hours distance. His camp was in the mountains and it was quite impossible to go there by public transportation. On the third day he felt strong enough, so we met at the train station. I bought a ticket for the night train and for another train to go and rescue him.

He seemed to be alright again and didn’t wanted to just be brought home like I expected. So we decided to do our planned road trip, just starting quite closer to his camp. First I just was glad he was fine again. But on the second or third day he wanted to show me some pictures he had taken. I let him show me, but I said: on principle I should not, because he refused to see my photographs after my trip last year. Back then I was so aggrieved, because I really wanted to share my expressions with him and he REFUSED. Later we talked about it and he justified it and said he simple don’t like photographs. But everything I lived to see (since then) doesn’t confirm his statement. When I told him this a few days ago he pouted. And we had a fight taking longer than a day. He accused me of being negative and always looking for something to pick on. He brought up old stories and I simple refused to be accused like this.

I decided to take the train home again the next morning. I told him and the whole day and evening was still tense. But in the morning there was no more bad mood, it was strange. I decided to give us a chance and stayed with him. On the next leg of our route he asked about what I have texted him the weekend before (my last post). And when I told him about my ex wrote me, he said it is ok with him when we write e-mails, but he is not happy.

Later we came to his mother and stayed a few days. She thanked me so much that I went all the way to meet him. We also visited my brother and my grandmother and came home the day before yesterday. We are both still in a good mood.

I hope it stays like this. Now he is awake, I have to go 🙂


Knowing and feeling

  • His mother and grandmother visited us
  • Yesterday he was at a friend’s
  • Today he has to work
  • Monday he will leave for about 10 days

That’s why we started a fight yesterday. I don’t feel like I am important to him. I know I’m wrong and he explicitly told me. But I still feel this way.

I blame him for staying without commitment. He can’t say if he can join us tomorrow for about 2-3 hours for a barbecue with friend. He couldn’t decide to join this 10 day trip before last Tuesday. So it was to late for me to organise a trip with my best friend in the meantime.

He asked me for us to get along again. But he did ask that question before and even after agreeing he didn’t stopped accusing me. Why should it always be his choice to make peace?

But I agreed. I even offered to pick him up after his work. So we will spend the rest of the night somewhere nice. I need to spend time with him, before he will leave. But I feel like I always give in. I need him to show an act of appreciation.