Tag Archives: worries

he is homesick

He misses his friends, his old job, his old town. He still doesn’t feel home here.

He talked to one of his friends and wants to have a similar life. Work less and spend the free time with the friends.

Sounds great, for me too, please. But I am too realistic to really expect this to happen. Because my friends are busy anyway, unlike his. And I want to have a safe job. I grew up with sentences like “Business before pleasure”. I have a strong sense of duty.

I feel sorry for him. But it is hard for me to talk and act like I can understand him not taking responsibility for his life. Until he moved in with me he tried to achieve the greatest possible success with the least effort.

It took me also quite some time to make this town my new home, for sure more than a year. So I would prefer if he just life and wait and give life the chance to become suitable. He has a job, some friends here.

If he can’t stand staying here, we would have to find a solution. But for me, as I don’t know anyone in his old town and it is much harder to find a job there, I would have to lose almost everything – to stay with him.

When he told me about his sorrow and homesickness I was not part of his thoughts. He didn’t touch me, hold me, even look at me or mention me. It was like it doesn’t concern me. After we finished I needed a moment for myself, to think about it. He asked about my conclusions and I asked him why his thoughts didn’t include me and that I am willing to find a solution. I asked if it is certain to him that he want to go back. And he said he has no clue what to do.

Our whole relationship has lost ground. How can I start talking about family planning when now everything is unsteady? We need to find a way, a place, a new life – in the worst case. But maybe now is the right moment for family planning, to give him some goals in life, to show him what is important to me, to not get blackmailed by his wishes.

I am not sure what to do. All becomes complicate instead of solve itself.

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lonely despite relationship

I miss him. Miss him so much.

On Friday I went out. First I met with some friends, later a girlfriend and I went into a discotheque. It was so great. Finally I was dancing again. I enjoyed it so much. The music was fine, the people were nice. We talked to some guys and I really was surprised by my friend. My friend couldn’t find her lighter (she is smoker) and I asked a guy to offer her light. He stayed a little while, talked to us, introduced himself. I also told him my first name, she refused. She told me later on that she thinks he was lying. Why on earth should he have told us a false name? A first name is not close to an identification, social insurance number, birth date, anything secret or private. She has a very bad opinion about men.

This guy was really polite, not a bit intrusive. She is single and can’t have an easy conversation, just a little small talk with a nice guy. It is quite sad. I also enjoy these chance encounter when going out or also during day, it is part of being human to have social life and interaction.

The rest of the weekend I stayed at home. No one of my friends had time to spend with me. They are not used any more that I am available. They have their own activities, plans, they are busy without me. It is my fault, because I have cancelled too often. Before I met my boyfriend I was an inherent part of their weekend planning.

Things have changed.

I cleaned and cleared our place, tidied up, mucked up. I was busy at home, but the fun was decreasing. I missed him because I was bored. Now it is not only he who misses his friends (in his old town). He covers almost my whole social life, losing him would cause a far-ranging change in my life. I am afraid I probably am emotional and social depended on him now.

Being with him takes a lot of time, working too, but I need to find more time to spend with my friends. I am really afraid to lose them.


sometimes too much

We fight and we kiss, we have a lot of drama lately.

Now we are back to harmony. Everything is fine, he is satisfied. I try to be as I should.

But I feel trapped. I can’t decide for me own any more, because he would get in a bad mood. So I keep quiet, until one day I will burst again?

It is so important for me that he likes me, treats me well, is nice to me. He told me to take more care of myself. But if I do we sure will fight. I can’t be myself when it endangers our relationship. I can’t be happy if I repress my true self for too long.

I try so hard to be as I think I should, but I don’t even know if he prefers me that way.

Am I too scared that he may not like the real me?


Back to fighting

Yesterday I met a “good old friend” who just got a baby. I have told him weeks before and asked if he wanted to join. He never has said that he would like to.

So I left him a note with the address and that he probably won’t come but to give him the opportunity.

I had a nice time with my friend. Her baby is such a cute one. After about 3 hours he texted when I plan to come home. We had lost time – but in a good way. But when we noticed we said good-bye.

At home he starred at the PC, I changed and he said something stupid about my clothes, then he complained that my note was unfriendly. I was in a good mood – until he started moaning. He insisted we need to talk. In the end we start fighting. He wanted to have fun – after he destroyed my good mood.

He was also drinking beer and I told him, I’m worried about his alcohol consumption.

We fought in the evening and continued in the morning.

When I returned I really wanted to talk to him about us having a baby. But at the moment there is no use in making plans for a common future. He is too egocentric, he just expects me to take care of him, comfort him, get him into the mood… But he doesn’t think one moment about my condition. That hurts. At the moment it feels like a dead end.


Thinking affects talking

It can be so incredible hard to talk to him.

Before talking to him I sometimes start to think about the conversation days before, what to say, how to say, how he may react. In the end I didn’t tell him. Even when he insists on talking – sometimes it is necessary to write it down.

These days I wasn’t feeling very well. I told him everything that happened. But he seems to be missing some empathy or sensitivity to derive how I may feel after having had an experience. I wasn’t feeling well and he made some additional pressure because he relates everything to himself. Partially it is true, but there are much more things going on.

When he left for sports, I wrote him a letter. Unfortunately I just wrote the issues concerning him, that he is informed about all facts, and I’m afraid of telling some consequences because of his possible reaction. It happened that he related everything to himself again. He got angry and wanted to leave for the remaining weekend. I was angry and sad too. Originally I wanted to visit my brother on this weekend, but he accused me “not to leave him alone again”, “there is no one he knows in town”, “I should think in what situation I will put him” and much more. So I stayed.

Maybe I needed the pressure, the “threat”, because finally I could tell him what my problem was. Indeed talking was nice, even tough he may not understand the situation in its entirety. I fear my family dissolves and I really need to belong to someone. I was so afraid of his pity, advices. But of course he related everything to himself, he also had some troubles with his family in the past. But he has a family, a place where he is welcome no matter what happened – while I have to find a place for the next holidays (again) to hide so nobody knows I have nowhere to go and feels pity. I haven’t told him and he will not think of something like this on his own.

After talking we went out, to take our minds off things. A friend of him joined us (so not everyone was gone). He told his friend that the prettiest girls live in his old town and that they should go there. I don’t feel well hearing such things, but when I wanted to tell him, he reprimanded me after we are good again I should not destroy the good mood on purpose.

It is difficult. How comes that everything is according to his rules? He wants me to talk to him, but I am not allowed to say things when I’m unhappy? I know I’m a little/or much hypersensitive right now, but it is no help, when he admits he is egoistic and lazy. If I am worth something to him, he must sometimes make some effort. Otherwise I will become like he is and we will have no future.


His birthday

I made a cake with birthday candles. He had to blow the candles out. Then he got a gift. He turned it around, looked so sceptically that I told him “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”. Now it is lying around. He really wanted to have it but he seems not to be satisfied. Later we had a barbeque. It was a surprise party I organised. He guessed we would go bowling. But his friends came and some of mine and we stayed much longer than expected. We even had campfire atmosphere.

Actually I wanted to go out with my friends too. But I needed to recover. I visited two friends to exchange things from the barbeque evening. The rest of the weekend we spent at home.

Yesterday he suddenly became strange. I gave him some time, then carefully approached him. He thinks I do too much. He is overstrained with his new job and now he feels like he is not able to give back what I have done for him. I told him I even would be happy if he put a candle in a chocolate bar on my birthday. Sure I expect something in return. But it should be a kiss, a hug, a nice gesture towards me. I want for him to approach me.

I really miss him doing the first step. I want him to be nice, but of his own impulse. Even when I tell him first it is my initiative again. He is fine with giving me commands, but I really, really need him to do things for me without asking. I know it is more than difficult, because how should he know when and what to do?


Approval

Yesterday I left early to gift-wrap his birthday present. His birthday will be this weekend.

When he came, I started cooking. Some meat, vegetables in sauce and rice. Because I wanted it to look nice I pressed the rice in a pudding mould, like they do in Chinese Restaurants. He saw me and said

don’t be ridiculous

That hurts. I want to do something nice for us, and he just can’t appreciate it. He enjoyed the meal, so what is the problem.

It is like he talks things I do down, and he refuses my tenderness. I’m really thinking about going out with my friends this weekend. I need some approval, and they and even strangers will give it to me. It maybe is not the best idea to jump into the night life with my defiance, but I know the limits and I just want to be courted a little bit to make me feel better.

It seems everybody has to take care of him-/herself. I don’t like it, especially on his birthday. But he seems to be OK without me.