Tag Archives: going out

incomprehension of priorities

I guess it is one of the given differences and I have to learn to live with it, but WHY does he have to play on his PC when we both have just a little time slot to attend on each other.

On Tuesday I met some former colleagues. When I returned he was busy, with his PC. It is OK that he not immediately jumps as I arrive, but he kept being busy until bedtime.

Yesterday he was out with his colleagues. It is important to him to get to know them better, maybe become friends. After work and before the evening program he came home to have dinner. He called on his way home and  him eating at home included me cooking a meal. I felt a little exploited but I did it because I expected him to spend his little time slot with me. But nothing, after having dinner he continued his PC game. Then he left to spend the evening without me.

In his defence he tried to enthuse me to play his game with him. I play some games, but I am simply not interested in this one. In his company “everyone” is playing that game. Maybe he felt like being put on the spot. I don’t know.

The game is not that bad, it is about building a rocket and sending it to the moon. But I have other stuff to do that is more important to me. He can do as he likes, but it would be great if we only have little time slots to do something with me. I have the feeling like we haven’t talked honestly in quite a long time now.

Today I am going to meet an old friend. So he has lot of time to play on his computer. When I told him that he made a very sweet sound that he prefers me to stay and keep him company or even better play with him.

But instead of me he will find a little present today. I ordered some special tea that we could not find anywhere here. He brought it from his last holiday and since then is swarming about it.


a dining table and a talk

He presented me with a dining table! He had listened and obviously understood when I told him how important this is to me. We also use it now in the way I dreamed of. A place to sit, to talk, to be a family.

We have a very nice time, as long as both of us make the effort to keep our relationship working, life is great.

We went out, a friend of mine had a big party and even he happened to know someone there. We had a great time – also because we had enough time to rest and recover afterwards.

Since I got this table I invited some friends to come for a coffee. He baked his first cake ever, with my help. Working together is also something I really enjoy. He even had a nice time with my friends, although he normally is not a big fan of them. But they told some funny stories and it was a cosy atmosphere.

We also went to the indoor paddling training and I still feel my muscles ache. But in a good way. So everyone had something he/she really liked.

In the end we sat together, had a snack and talked about the plans for the coming week, for Christmas time and beyond. This week is quite planned, but everything more was even for me hard to tell. I’m not sure what to do for Christmas time. So he invited me. I can not accept this. It is full of pity, like there is no place else I belong to. I would feel like an intruder in is family routine. I rather lie than spend this time with his family. But it is not sure yet, maybe I will visit my brother, let’s see.

Both of us also has no idea what to do around New Year’s Eve. But we agreed to think about possibilities. Also for the days after, when he has plant holidays and I also decided to take some days off.

I also dared to ask further more. About plans for his life. And he said he can’t imagine having children right now. He has no idea, no concept plans for his life. But he will try to feel home here with me. I wish him to make friends, arrange himself with his job and gets ready to start a family – soon.

This was as far as I could go. Honestly, I hoped for more, but I need to give him time to think about all this. To let him find the path of his life. I just feel a little not taken too seriously. Because it seems that all my plans for life depend on him and he didn’t show any interest in helping me realise my dreams (having a family). I know I have more life experience, I am in the working process so much longer, I am finally happy with my situation, with him and I see him as the father of our children. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but I wait for his approval.

Here a photo of the Russian Cake (the remains I brought to share at work)

Russian Cake

Russian Cake

lonely despite relationship

I miss him. Miss him so much.

On Friday I went out. First I met with some friends, later a girlfriend and I went into a discotheque. It was so great. Finally I was dancing again. I enjoyed it so much. The music was fine, the people were nice. We talked to some guys and I really was surprised by my friend. My friend couldn’t find her lighter (she is smoker) and I asked a guy to offer her light. He stayed a little while, talked to us, introduced himself. I also told him my first name, she refused. She told me later on that she thinks he was lying. Why on earth should he have told us a false name? A first name is not close to an identification, social insurance number, birth date, anything secret or private. She has a very bad opinion about men.

This guy was really polite, not a bit intrusive. She is single and can’t have an easy conversation, just a little small talk with a nice guy. It is quite sad. I also enjoy these chance encounter when going out or also during day, it is part of being human to have social life and interaction.

The rest of the weekend I stayed at home. No one of my friends had time to spend with me. They are not used any more that I am available. They have their own activities, plans, they are busy without me. It is my fault, because I have cancelled too often. Before I met my boyfriend I was an inherent part of their weekend planning.

Things have changed.

I cleaned and cleared our place, tidied up, mucked up. I was busy at home, but the fun was decreasing. I missed him because I was bored. Now it is not only he who misses his friends (in his old town). He covers almost my whole social life, losing him would cause a far-ranging change in my life. I am afraid I probably am emotional and social depended on him now.

Being with him takes a lot of time, working too, but I need to find more time to spend with my friends. I am really afraid to lose them.

priorities – a weekend alone

It feels so good that I am important to him. He didn’t even watch a movie without me. So we had a nice conversation, about us. It even became funny when he tried to imitate me. I couldn’t stop laughing. I still hope that it is not actually the way I behave. Maybe to him it is not so funny, but when I laughed so hardly he also had to.

So we are fine again. And it was a relief that he left when our relationship is not in trouble. He will not be here for the next days. And I am going to enjoy to have the place to my own. It is great that we still live together and I really hope it will stay like this, but sometimes some days without him make it easier. May I miss him. I hope so.

I told him to call me when he will arrive. He has to go some hours and I also told him to drive safely. I want to know that he will be well received. Then I will meet my friends, go out and have a lot of fun.

Since there is nothing to worry about our relationship I can switch off.

Maybe I have to suffer tomorrow, but it is good to meet my friends with all consequences 🙂

he and my second best friend

He really doesn’t like my second best friend. That is why he didn’t come with me to this friend’s birthday party.

He says this friend always acts like the queen be, just talks about himself, isn’t interested in other persons, forces a manipulation of the atmosphere according to his mood, and such things.

He may be right.

If my good friend and I would meet right now, we may not become friends. But since we know each other that long, I’m used to him.

My boyfriend and I can spend time separately, but since he works the weekends become more important to spend time together.

My second best friend is also a very good friend of my best friend, and we have a big common circle of friends. If I avoid him – to spend more time with my boyfriend – I would have to avoid most of them too. Because he would be hurt if I meet all the others without him.

I would prefer to spend time with all of them, sometimes even together, like when we have a barbecue or at a party. But it seems not to be possible. I will have to decide with whom I want to spend my time, and I hate this situation. 😦

wedding and mountain

On Friday we went separate ways. I joined the birthday party of my second best friend and he visited a friend. But we decided to go home together, met on our way.

On Saturday my former best friend had his wedding. I really wanted my boyfriend to go there with me. I let him decide what to do the last two weekends so he would come with me. I offered to drive, so he could have some drinks. I think he liked the people there, he even said: these friends are really much more reasonable. I should try to meet them more often and introduce my boyfriend to their friends. Back at home we planned to have a drink together, but it took me some time to change and he did stuff on his computer, so the mood turned suddenly. We went to bed, both unhappy.

In the morning he told me we have to talk. He said I can’t open up to him when I have a problem and also I don’t accept him having a bad time. He doesn’t feel welcome anymore when he is not in a good mood. Then he started talking about a mountain. I’m quite sure I don’t understand what he wanted to say. I asked but it simply doesn’t make sense to me.

There is a mountain and we just can be on the top, if everything beneath is right. We just can climb, if everything below is good. If something down changes we have to go back and fix it. I asked if we can not take a shortcut, or start halfway, so it will be easier, or that we maybe never reach the top, because we will never finish our business on the ground. I told him I don’t understand, but he couldn’t explain it in a way I get it.

We separated again in the afternoon. I went biking. I enjoyed the time on my own, some fresh air and some exercise. He also went biking. When we met in the evening, we were both happy and had a nice time together.

I am so glad he never gives up talking about things. And since the first month living together no one ever thought about moving out or splitting up loudly. We are different, we always will experience our lives in different ways, but as long as we try to talk about conflicts I see a good chance we have a bright future!

Thinking affects talking

It can be so incredible hard to talk to him.

Before talking to him I sometimes start to think about the conversation days before, what to say, how to say, how he may react. In the end I didn’t tell him. Even when he insists on talking – sometimes it is necessary to write it down.

These days I wasn’t feeling very well. I told him everything that happened. But he seems to be missing some empathy or sensitivity to derive how I may feel after having had an experience. I wasn’t feeling well and he made some additional pressure because he relates everything to himself. Partially it is true, but there are much more things going on.

When he left for sports, I wrote him a letter. Unfortunately I just wrote the issues concerning him, that he is informed about all facts, and I’m afraid of telling some consequences because of his possible reaction. It happened that he related everything to himself again. He got angry and wanted to leave for the remaining weekend. I was angry and sad too. Originally I wanted to visit my brother on this weekend, but he accused me “not to leave him alone again”, “there is no one he knows in town”, “I should think in what situation I will put him” and much more. So I stayed.

Maybe I needed the pressure, the “threat”, because finally I could tell him what my problem was. Indeed talking was nice, even tough he may not understand the situation in its entirety. I fear my family dissolves and I really need to belong to someone. I was so afraid of his pity, advices. But of course he related everything to himself, he also had some troubles with his family in the past. But he has a family, a place where he is welcome no matter what happened – while I have to find a place for the next holidays (again) to hide so nobody knows I have nowhere to go and feels pity. I haven’t told him and he will not think of something like this on his own.

After talking we went out, to take our minds off things. A friend of him joined us (so not everyone was gone). He told his friend that the prettiest girls live in his old town and that they should go there. I don’t feel well hearing such things, but when I wanted to tell him, he reprimanded me after we are good again I should not destroy the good mood on purpose.

It is difficult. How comes that everything is according to his rules? He wants me to talk to him, but I am not allowed to say things when I’m unhappy? I know I’m a little/or much hypersensitive right now, but it is no help, when he admits he is egoistic and lazy. If I am worth something to him, he must sometimes make some effort. Otherwise I will become like he is and we will have no future.