Monthly Archives: March 2014

free time activities

He had a club activity today, so I choose to visit my sister. He seemed a little disappointed about spending the day separated or because I didn’t want to join him. Yesterday we went out for a beer and after we were too tired for everything.

Today we had to get up early, I let him bring me to the station – which was very nice but not really necessary, just to spend some more minutes together. Then I took the train to visit my sister. We had kind of good timing, when I left my sister he called and asked to meet at a station so we have some common way home. Edit: Making me feel like it matters that we meet soon. But it would have been to complicate and so we decided to meet at home. I was in a hurry to get the next train. Nearly at home, at the last part of my travel he called. He is at a friend’s.

I’m at home, waiting. I really would like to go, meet some friends right now, mainly not be at home when he will come. But no one is available. I’m disappointed. I don’t want to be the one sitting at home. He wouldn’t wait for me either.

 


The only child – familiy person

I’m part of an extended family. He is the only child. When I first met him it was one of the first questions because I have kind of bad experience with people without siblings. He also is an only child, I thought this is a disadvantage – but he was so convincing and we simply had the best timing of getting to know each other.

But there are always situations I blame his ‘only child’ state. He often acts like everyone is waiting for him, all good just will happen to him. He also still gets support by his family. In my family there is a completely different relationship, especially because we children stick together. I also feel discriminated against on account of the distance to my siblings. They all life quite close, maximum half an hour by car, and for me it is an excursion to visit one of them.

I also fought a lot for my independence. I had to take on responsibility for others(i.e. my baby brother) when I was still young and sometimes make sacrifices. I was no one’s center like he experienced his childhood. When our parents separated none of them really wanted us. In his case his parents fought for him, even went to court. I’m aware it sure wasn’t the most pleasant situation for him being between his parents, but I’m kind of jealous.
We are all in our own shoes, but I sometimes feel dominated. He decides the daily routine, eating time, getting up, Siesta. I have to justify when I want to get up before him. He expects to be considerate of all the time. He takes much more care about himself than about me. And demands the same of me: to take more care about him.

But sometimes he is really trying. He brought me a little something. And I’m aware he is not used to do so.
My long-term issue is to start a family, but children, and especially babies, will not care about his daily routine…


Time management III – working and free time

He plays PC the whole night, sometimes I also do, quite too long. But I overcome and go to bed at some point.
So he spends a lot of time with nonsense – to be honest. At the same time he claims he can’t work fulltime (40 hours a week).
He may just hasn’t understand that everyone has to reduce one’s leisure time. Of course I would prefer to play PC the whole night and sleep until noon and then hang out, do sports, whatever. But therefore are weekends.
People who have to take care of themselves have to sacrifice pleasures to gain independent.
It is part of growing up to not just do what you want but also your duties.

 I feel very tired and almost sick today, he even will be worse, because he also drank. But I’m the one who bear the brunt 😦


Enthusiasm for club life – why am I there?

He is an enthusiast for club life, so to say. He met him like this and it is no problem for me – generally. He has more free time than me and he enjoys the whole club thing. He also wants me to be part of it, not all the time, but when it is more comfortable for him. Depending on the people, the activities or the topic of the gathering I feel at ease with the situation.

It happened twice in a row that I absolutely felt uncomfortable during such events. My problem was that I didn’t think I belong there, I didn’t feel welcome. People were to busy to even notice me, even he was.

He came once a while, asked me to talk to the people. I was annoyed. I accompanied him because it seemed important to him. Normally I have no problems to do small talk, but it just felt weird. I simply didn’t fit in. And he simply didn’t understand it. It is his club life, his social network and he is completely absorbed in this. I also felt cold-shouldered. Maybe this is the biggest problem, his behavior towards me.

Plus I felt trapped, I couldn’t just leave (and spoil his evening) because I depended on him to get home. This is kind of pressure on me.


Privacy – do we trust each other?

Before we lived together it was OK for me to use his PC or for him to use mine. Actually he created an own account on my PC quite soon, with an own password. For me it took some more time to get a password so I can turn on his PC without asking him. But I never got an own password. He even knows my password for my PC, that’s why I don’t really understand why he needs an own account there. He also created it without asking me. Just took it for granted that I’m OK with it.

Now we have both our PC in one place, actually really next to each other. I suggested to at least put a shelf between, but he didn’t want. But still he is also using my PC sometimes and as a matter of course. As he knows my password he has access to all my data, my mails, everything. On his PC all his stuff is protected. It is not that I want to quarry for something, but it seems unfair.

The last time I consider about changing my password. But it is a kind of breach of confidence. I don’t have “real” secrets. But I don’t like the imbalance. I have obviously more trust than he trusts me.


Time management II – he or my friends

Before we moved together I visited him in his town, so I can’t spend time with my friends, or he came and I had to “take care” of him. In the beginning he was to shy to meet my friends, later we had some other differences how to handle the other one’s friends.

Actually I never tried to get contact to his friends and he supported this. On the other hand, he was angry that I don’t want him to become friends with my friends. I mean these are people I trust, I tell them so much – also about him and our relationship. When he started to write e-mails with a friend of mine, we had our first real fight. I also ignored my friend for some time, for me her behaviour was kind of betrayal.

Last christmas I gave him a piece of paper with my closest friends’ telephone numbers. But I think I can’t comprehend my overcoming.

Now living together we still don’t see each other a lot during the week and kind of have to save our precious weekend time for each other. So I’m still not free to just arrange a meeting with a friend. And we also don’t talk enough about our plans and expectations, so mostly we stay at home and often don’t know what to do but are afraid to plan something. This may be the biggest problem at the moment: we both project expectations on each other which the other may/probably doesn’t have and therefrom feel restricted.


Handling of resources – where has all the water gone….

I live basically quite economically. I only turn on the lights when I really what to do something. A glass of water I can get me even when it is a bit dim. So that is the situation. I also try to use water I don’t drink for pouring my flowers.

He’s completely different. He actually almost always turns on the lights immediately .When he leaves the room again, he often even not turn them off. He also wastes water and eats pretty quantities in a way I would not let him be a role model for children. But that is another issue. In any case, I cannot buy as much as he feeds. Of course I could, but I don’t know for certain if he will eat. Sometimes he wants then something else, like to order or to eat out, and then I would keep the food and have the risk that it will get bad. Also, I do not see that I have to carry home tons of food when I may not even have a bit of it.

Of course I want him to feel comfortable with me. But I ‘m not his mother. He should start buying the food he actually will eat. I’m not sure how we handle this situation – with water, electricity and also heating (this one also was included in our house rules). I try to be more tolerant. But I have often to resist making a comment. I do not want to appear graspingly. But I don’t feel OK watching him wasting resources. It often contradicts my entire education and instilled concept of environmental protection.