Tag Archives: cooking

incomprehension of priorities

I guess it is one of the given differences and I have to learn to live with it, but WHY does he have to play on his PC when we both have just a little time slot to attend on each other.

On Tuesday I met some former colleagues. When I returned he was busy, with his PC. It is OK that he not immediately jumps as I arrive, but he kept being busy until bedtime.

Yesterday he was out with his colleagues. It is important to him to get to know them better, maybe become friends. After work and before the evening program he came home to have dinner. He called on his way home and  him eating at home included me cooking a meal. I felt a little exploited but I did it because I expected him to spend his little time slot with me. But nothing, after having dinner he continued his PC game. Then he left to spend the evening without me.

In his defence he tried to enthuse me to play his game with him. I play some games, but I am simply not interested in this one. In his company “everyone” is playing that game. Maybe he felt like being put on the spot. I don’t know.

The game is not that bad, it is about building a rocket and sending it to the moon. But I have other stuff to do that is more important to me. He can do as he likes, but it would be great if we only have little time slots to do something with me. I have the feeling like we haven’t talked honestly in quite a long time now.

Today I am going to meet an old friend. So he has lot of time to play on his computer. When I told him that he made a very sweet sound that he prefers me to stay and keep him company or even better play with him.

But instead of me he will find a little present today. I ordered some special tea that we could not find anywhere here. He brought it from his last holiday and since then is swarming about it.

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He is back!

He returned Monday evening. It happened that I also came back from my exercise and met him so we could carry the stuff upstairs. My mother gave him a shelf for me. I was very thankful, that he brought it to me. I cooked and we had a nice evening. I even gave him a massage. I just was a little disappointed because I couldn’t stop touching him and it felt like nothing came in return.

Yesterday nearly the same, he called when I was still working and asked about our plans for the evening. In the end I went shopping and cooked so we could eat when he came home from work. It was OK since I have a 10 minutes way home and he about an hour. Then I started to put my books in the new shelf. It was again a throw much away process. I also found one of my favourite books and started to read it to him loudly. He enjoyed it. When my throat hurt he asked for a massage. I did it. Then continued my work with the books. In my point of view I was very nice to him this evening and he seemed to feel good. But again he didn’t do anything for me.

We can have a lot of these evenings, I am sure. And I know they are important for a cosy living together. But after these days apart and my warm welcome I really hoped for some … dedication, some action, something to show me he missed me.

I want to feel desired. Especially after  he returned from his mother. I am not his housekeeper, I am not a mother with benefits. I am his girlfriend and I want to feel that way. I start to hate his passive way, he enjoys to be treated but is not ready to move his little finger.

It is embarrassing but I already asked him to be more active, to sometimes bring a little gift, to kiss me more often. He knows but he doesn’t act. How can I show him that I am serious with my requirements, that they are not optional but mandatory to have a working relationship?


expectations – once again

Yesterday I was quite fit, today I’m convalescent, tomorrow I will be back to work.

Since I was a little fit yesterday, I used the afternoon to cook one of his favorite meals, I normally refuse to because it is rather laborious. I almost spent the whole afternoon doing so, also because I felt a little weak in between. He was informed, since he doesn’t like surprises. When he came home, he complained that the dinner was not ready. I waited for him to come to start the side dish. If dinner would be ready when he arrived, he would have complained that he can’t have time to arrive mentally or that I stress him. So no matter how I do it is wrong. I hate this.

When we ate, I asked, if he likes it. After all it was his favorite meal. He said I could have added more of a certain spice. He finished 3 portions and lay down on the couch. I cleaned the table and the kitchen, did the washing up. Then I went to bed. I felt so depressed. No thank you – for the meal or for my effort, no word about it has been good or anything.

After a while he followed me. Then he said sorry. I asked what for. He said sorry he has a bad day. I left saying have your bad day without me.

I can give so much effort, he never will be thankful or anything, he never has the wish to do something nice for me. Doing something for him is just a waste of time. There is nothing coming back, no appreciation.

Later he patted my back and said let’s be good again. But this doesn’t make anything well again. And he doesn’t understand. If he cares about me, he would also care about my feelings. And he doesn’t!

Before sleeping we reconciled, but I started to think about asking him to move out. He only cares about himself, he doesn’t even see what efforts I make for him. But it doesn’t feel right any more. I really want a family – with children, but I lose faith it will happen with him. I always have a plan B, but I am froward and I want to hold on to HIM.


Holidays

I’m on holiday. This morning we had a flash back.

Monday earliest morning he kissed me good-bye at the door so I get the first train home. Just this time it was not from his former place, but our place and I went home to my family. But the whole situation was like when we had our long-distance relationship.

After a week living just next to each other we had a really great weekend. He cared and was so attentive. I told him that he is great and how much I appreciate his behaviour. I hope he will be like this more often.

Now I have some days off – off work, off him. I stay with my family. My sister and her husband need to do some work on their place and I offered to take care of her children. My mother and I wanted to share them, but now she is sick and I had to take care of her, of cooking, laundry, three little children. It was quite a day. My sister and her husband came for lunch and I was so glad, when she at least took the youngest with her. He cried a lot and I didn’t now if and what he is allowed to eat.

I hope he misses me and will be happy when I will come home again. He told me he wants me to accompany him to his camp next year, I should save two weeks of my holidays. The other thing is his company closes in winter and he has to take two weeks of his holidays there. He hasn’t aske if I will also go on holiday to do something together. Let’s see.


Approval

Yesterday I left early to gift-wrap his birthday present. His birthday will be this weekend.

When he came, I started cooking. Some meat, vegetables in sauce and rice. Because I wanted it to look nice I pressed the rice in a pudding mould, like they do in Chinese Restaurants. He saw me and said

don’t be ridiculous

That hurts. I want to do something nice for us, and he just can’t appreciate it. He enjoyed the meal, so what is the problem.

It is like he talks things I do down, and he refuses my tenderness. I’m really thinking about going out with my friends this weekend. I need some approval, and they and even strangers will give it to me. It maybe is not the best idea to jump into the night life with my defiance, but I know the limits and I just want to be courted a little bit to make me feel better.

It seems everybody has to take care of him-/herself. I don’t like it, especially on his birthday. But he seems to be OK without me.


Rendez-vous

Since we are so busy during week, we start dating again.

Today we will cook and eat together and then go to the movies to watch the amazing spiderman. I am looking forward to it, not especially the movie but the whole evening.

Yesterday I came from work, we saw each other for about 15 minutes, then he had training and I went for a run. On my way home I did some shopping, exactly what was on the shopping list. Later I made my favourite soup.

When he returned. He declared it smells of food and that is good because he is hungry. I was a little annoyed, but I dissembled it. I work so much more than he does, and he never ever had some meal ready when I returned 😦

He ate 3 dishes of my soup and grumped that there was no meat in it. Later both of us were busy checking our mails, reading news and weather forecast. The everyday routine.

I am really looking forward to our date tonight.