downtime

We hover. He is tired after work. He let me do, gratefully accepts every treat by me. But he doesn’t act.

I am reducing my action because of these and in the end we both vegetate in the same place with any commonalities.

This may be the worst case.

But yesterday he insisted on watching a movie, and another afterwards. Today he will work quite long and I plan to meet my friends in the evening. There is no time for us. I already miss him, feel left alone.

If he likes me why there is no impulse to comfort me, do something nice for me? He is still the same, always taking.

I am afraid to loose him if I copy his behave and concentrate more on my own person. But it is not good for my, my psyche to always be considerate of him while he acts like he is the most important person in his world.

It is necessary that I feel important too! I really need him to do things for me.

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He is back!

He returned Monday evening. It happened that I also came back from my exercise and met him so we could carry the stuff upstairs. My mother gave him a shelf for me. I was very thankful, that he brought it to me. I cooked and we had a nice evening. I even gave him a massage. I just was a little disappointed because I couldn’t stop touching him and it felt like nothing came in return.

Yesterday nearly the same, he called when I was still working and asked about our plans for the evening. In the end I went shopping and cooked so we could eat when he came home from work. It was OK since I have a 10 minutes way home and he about an hour. Then I started to put my books in the new shelf. It was again a throw much away process. I also found one of my favourite books and started to read it to him loudly. He enjoyed it. When my throat hurt he asked for a massage. I did it. Then continued my work with the books. In my point of view I was very nice to him this evening and he seemed to feel good. But again he didn’t do anything for me.

We can have a lot of these evenings, I am sure. And I know they are important for a cosy living together. But after these days apart and my warm welcome I really hoped for some … dedication, some action, something to show me he missed me.

I want to feel desired. Especially after  he returned from his mother. I am not his housekeeper, I am not a mother with benefits. I am his girlfriend and I want to feel that way. I start to hate his passive way, he enjoys to be treated but is not ready to move his little finger.

It is embarrassing but I already asked him to be more active, to sometimes bring a little gift, to kiss me more often. He knows but he doesn’t act. How can I show him that I am serious with my requirements, that they are not optional but mandatory to have a working relationship?


lonely despite relationship

I miss him. Miss him so much.

On Friday I went out. First I met with some friends, later a girlfriend and I went into a discotheque. It was so great. Finally I was dancing again. I enjoyed it so much. The music was fine, the people were nice. We talked to some guys and I really was surprised by my friend. My friend couldn’t find her lighter (she is smoker) and I asked a guy to offer her light. He stayed a little while, talked to us, introduced himself. I also told him my first name, she refused. She told me later on that she thinks he was lying. Why on earth should he have told us a false name? A first name is not close to an identification, social insurance number, birth date, anything secret or private. She has a very bad opinion about men.

This guy was really polite, not a bit intrusive. She is single and can’t have an easy conversation, just a little small talk with a nice guy. It is quite sad. I also enjoy these chance encounter when going out or also during day, it is part of being human to have social life and interaction.

The rest of the weekend I stayed at home. No one of my friends had time to spend with me. They are not used any more that I am available. They have their own activities, plans, they are busy without me. It is my fault, because I have cancelled too often. Before I met my boyfriend I was an inherent part of their weekend planning.

Things have changed.

I cleaned and cleared our place, tidied up, mucked up. I was busy at home, but the fun was decreasing. I missed him because I was bored. Now it is not only he who misses his friends (in his old town). He covers almost my whole social life, losing him would cause a far-ranging change in my life. I am afraid I probably am emotional and social depended on him now.

Being with him takes a lot of time, working too, but I need to find more time to spend with my friends. I am really afraid to lose them.


priorities – a weekend alone

It feels so good that I am important to him. He didn’t even watch a movie without me. So we had a nice conversation, about us. It even became funny when he tried to imitate me. I couldn’t stop laughing. I still hope that it is not actually the way I behave. Maybe to him it is not so funny, but when I laughed so hardly he also had to.

So we are fine again. And it was a relief that he left when our relationship is not in trouble. He will not be here for the next days. And I am going to enjoy to have the place to my own. It is great that we still live together and I really hope it will stay like this, but sometimes some days without him make it easier. May I miss him. I hope so.

I told him to call me when he will arrive. He has to go some hours and I also told him to drive safely. I want to know that he will be well received. Then I will meet my friends, go out and have a lot of fun.

Since there is nothing to worry about our relationship I can switch off.

Maybe I have to suffer tomorrow, but it is good to meet my friends with all consequences 🙂


meaning of a dining table

After all this fighting we had an argument again. Because the fridge was empty when I came home and he was eating, but just had cooked for himself.

We both became angry, went to separated rooms and cooled down. Then he came to me, but didn’t say a word. I remembered a talk we had long time ago. He asked why me and my former boyfriend who had lived together have broken up. And I didn’t want to tell about the qualities of my ex so I just said: we lived together, but we didn’t even eat together. I didn’t mention my ex, which was better, because stories about former boyfriends have no business being here.

When we finally started talking, it was really interesting. Because he said that maybe the act of eating together means a lot more to me than to him. And when I considered it he is right. My parents always make us be punctual for diner. When we were late we got punished (grounded, later we had to pay the penalty). Back then I sometimes didn’t like this, but over all it was nice to have all the family gathered. We had time to talk about the day, about things on one’s mind. It was nice and probably I miss this little everyday family events.

I told him that he is right and that this is why having a dining table is so important to me. I sold mine because we needed more space when he moved in. We have talked about buying a new one quite often, but we don’t know where to place it. Yesterday he said for the first time wholehearted that I should buy one if it means so much to me.

Later he complained about our proxy fight (I had a problem about not eating together, but started to fight about an empty fridge). But he understands that the empty fridge also is a problem and that we need to find a solution. He finally admits that he eats a lot more than me and therefore should buy more food. Let’s see if things get better.

Maybe we are back to a normal life without fighting. Let’s see.

At last, he kissed me, again after a long time.

If he just can find a little space for me at the back of his mind…


silent protest and a thunderstorm

It is so hard for me to talk to him. Especially when there is no time, because everything, even every stupid “My little pony” movie is more important than having a conversation with me. I even considered to make an appointment and sent him a list of points to talk about, but this would generate a lot of pressure on me and I probably wouldn’t be able to open my mouth.

So I kept quietly. Swallowed my anger and waited – for all my problems disappear. Which of course never happens.

He noticed, of course, and even asked, what is the matter. But he didn’t consider anything I told him, that I just wish to be far away, but I don’t know where I can go and it doesn’t makes any difference.

Yesterday I couldn’t stand it any longer and skipped my training to talk to him. I told him everything that’s on my mind. First he got angry and said he doesn’t want to solve riddles. Then I told him by using examples and we started a terrible fight. I also started crying, he was sitting far, far away on the other side of the room, looking, shouting, building a wall between us.

When I didn’t feel like talking any more, I simply stopped. And a long break of silence followed. I started again by telling him that it is not about accusations but about how I feel right now. Again a long pause, he still in distance. Why are people so different? Why can’t he just come to me and hold me tight, when I tell him I feel like a spare prick in a brothel, I’m sad?

Since he was not moving or saying anything, it was my turn again. I asked him how he was. He misses his friends in his old town and feels exhausted by his new work. I was so close to ask, if everything is so awful here why he is not drawing consequences. But I didn’t, luckily, otherwise he would have considered it as request. I couldn’t stop me from asking provocatively if this is really how he feels right now or if it simple his standard answer. But he didn’t respond to it.

It was a clearing thunderstorm, but his reaction also hurt. I feel better to have talked about. But why tell someone when you don’t feel well if not to get comforted? Why even talk if it changes nothing? Just to get a little nice illusion before the next fight?


Visiting a friend with baby

Yesterday it was so grown-up. Me and him went after work to a friend’s house. I waited outside for him. Then we visited my good friend with her husband and their 3 month old baby.

We had dinner, I brought flowers and cake. The baby was so sweet. Her husband was very nice and – very important – included my boyfriend in the conversation. Time was flying. I really didn’t notice and was glad my boyfriend asked to leave.

On our way home I wanted to know if the evening was OK to him. He complained that my friend and I talked to much about common friends and that it took me so long to say good-bye. He may be right about these points, but that is me. I still hope he will go with me on my next appointment with one of my friends.

I try to meet more of my “adult” friends since he doesn’t like my “party” friends, I used to spend a lot of time with. But since I met him the contact with my best friends has loosened. I’m aware that I neglect them too much, but I am sad to notice that they hardly ask me to go out on weekends.

It is better, if he likes my friends and I am thankful that he handles my “grown-up” friends better. It was also a kind of double date to meet another couple. But he was not really interested in the baby – one of the reasons I asked him to go with me.

Maybe I should invite him to a meeting and give him a list of topics we need to talk about – like in my professional live?