This week was a little sad. Once again yesterday we sat in front of our PC and played this game. I went to sleep on my own, because I didn’t want to waste any more of my time and also because I was tired. I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t even pull myself together to go shopping, although it was planned.
Today I got up alone, too, and went to work a long time before him.
I am not sure if it is my perception, that I have become more sensitive about this issue, or my friends and colleagues also have grown up – but it is like it is all about babies now. Friends just became parents or grandparents, showing off with baby photos, people on the street pushing buggies, often with more than one child. Everyone and everywhere – with babies.
It starts pressuring me. And I want to talk about it with him. But we don’t talk at all. I often ask about his day, but he is tired or prefers to play with his PC. He doesn’t miss a conversation with me. He should be aware that we haven’t finished this issue yet, because I told him so when we had one of our last big fights. Back than I refused to talk, because I need to talk about this in peace. I want to tell him that I am ready if he is, that I don’t want to pressure him and that it must be a common decision. But also that I’m afraid if we just delay without time horizon that we will never be a family. I need a plan for our common future.
In a tensed situation or during a fight or in a bad mood I simply don’t want to talk about this. I planned to wait and after a couple of “good” days I want to find time and peace to start a conversation about family planning. But the chances obviously aren’t good. How can we get a child if we don’t manage to talk about the planning? It doesn’t match from the beginning. Slowly I become desperate. He senses my bad mood, but this is (as mentioned) a criterion for exclusion to talk about it.
Furthermore, I still/once again miss his appreciation. For over a week now I am waiting for a nice word, a compliment, anything sweet from him. I also miss his interest in my day, my feelings. When I ask him i.e. to ask me, I does it, but he doesn’t act of his own accord. This is a big difference to me. And he doesn’t understand it. This also is a reason why I’m becoming desperate.