expectations – once again

Yesterday I was quite fit, today I’m convalescent, tomorrow I will be back to work.

Since I was a little fit yesterday, I used the afternoon to cook one of his favorite meals, I normally refuse to because it is rather laborious. I almost spent the whole afternoon doing so, also because I felt a little weak in between. He was informed, since he doesn’t like surprises. When he came home, he complained that the dinner was not ready. I waited for him to come to start the side dish. If dinner would be ready when he arrived, he would have complained that he can’t have time to arrive mentally or that I stress him. So no matter how I do it is wrong. I hate this.

When we ate, I asked, if he likes it. After all it was his favorite meal. He said I could have added more of a certain spice. He finished 3 portions and lay down on the couch. I cleaned the table and the kitchen, did the washing up. Then I went to bed. I felt so depressed. No thank you – for the meal or for my effort, no word about it has been good or anything.

After a while he followed me. Then he said sorry. I asked what for. He said sorry he has a bad day. I left saying have your bad day without me.

I can give so much effort, he never will be thankful or anything, he never has the wish to do something nice for me. Doing something for him is just a waste of time. There is nothing coming back, no appreciation.

Later he patted my back and said let’s be good again. But this doesn’t make anything well again. And he doesn’t understand. If he cares about me, he would also care about my feelings. And he doesn’t!

Before sleeping we reconciled, but I started to think about asking him to move out. He only cares about himself, he doesn’t even see what efforts I make for him. But it doesn’t feel right any more. I really want a family – with children, but I lose faith it will happen with him. I always have a plan B, but I am froward and I want to hold on to HIM.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: