It can be so incredible hard to talk to him.
Before talking to him I sometimes start to think about the conversation days before, what to say, how to say, how he may react. In the end I didn’t tell him. Even when he insists on talking – sometimes it is necessary to write it down.
These days I wasn’t feeling very well. I told him everything that happened. But he seems to be missing some empathy or sensitivity to derive how I may feel after having had an experience. I wasn’t feeling well and he made some additional pressure because he relates everything to himself. Partially it is true, but there are much more things going on.
When he left for sports, I wrote him a letter. Unfortunately I just wrote the issues concerning him, that he is informed about all facts, and I’m afraid of telling some consequences because of his possible reaction. It happened that he related everything to himself again. He got angry and wanted to leave for the remaining weekend. I was angry and sad too. Originally I wanted to visit my brother on this weekend, but he accused me “not to leave him alone again”, “there is no one he knows in town”, “I should think in what situation I will put him” and much more. So I stayed.
Maybe I needed the pressure, the “threat”, because finally I could tell him what my problem was. Indeed talking was nice, even tough he may not understand the situation in its entirety. I fear my family dissolves and I really need to belong to someone. I was so afraid of his pity, advices. But of course he related everything to himself, he also had some troubles with his family in the past. But he has a family, a place where he is welcome no matter what happened – while I have to find a place for the next holidays (again) to hide so nobody knows I have nowhere to go and feels pity. I haven’t told him and he will not think of something like this on his own.
After talking we went out, to take our minds off things. A friend of him joined us (so not everyone was gone). He told his friend that the prettiest girls live in his old town and that they should go there. I don’t feel well hearing such things, but when I wanted to tell him, he reprimanded me after we are good again I should not destroy the good mood on purpose.
It is difficult. How comes that everything is according to his rules? He wants me to talk to him, but I am not allowed to say things when I’m unhappy? I know I’m a little/or much hypersensitive right now, but it is no help, when he admits he is egoistic and lazy. If I am worth something to him, he must sometimes make some effort. Otherwise I will become like he is and we will have no future.