Monthly Archives: June 2014

Being defiant and pouting

After having a good phase we managed to interrupt it.

I’m still suffering from my exhaustion, fighting some cold and he is afraid of being infected. Once in a while I feel leprous. For him it is OK to treat me like this. But then he expected me to do something for him, I never agreed with and refused in this case. He was miffed, stopped talking to me.

During dinner I asked if something was wrong, he said the whole situation. I asked if I can change something. He replied: NO.

Today after breakfast, I asked again. He always wants to talk things through immediately, but since he was not very communicative yesterday, I prefered to give some time to think over. He wanted to know, why I am suddenly so nice to him.

In his mind we were both unsatisfied. But I was not. I just don’t let him blackmail me.

I refuse something, he becomes miffed and I should do as he wants?

For sure: NOT

But we talked it through. In the end he said he feels like I avoid things that are important to him. This hurts. If I’m not the way he wants me, he has to decide, if what I lack in is more important to him than me – and if so, he has to find someone more fitting to his expectations. This awareness hurts so much.

I managed to tell him my concerns without talking about dropping me. He became very nice, just said, I may also sometime are not all happy with the way he is. – He is such a good guy.


Pictures of our paddling trip

Since all my photos are just bad, I decided to order a new camera which shall also be waterproof.

He shared his pictures, so I can post some here.

The one with the green helmet is me. This is the way to recognize paddling people, by the colour of their helmets, boats, paddle, jacket. I still have to get used to it, because people (me too) often change the equipment.

Our group on the first day paddling

Our group on the first day paddling

With a black helmet and an orange boat: it is him, and this is the only picture I’ve taken which is good 🙂

I was standing at the exit, waiting for him, to help him carrying the boat to the car and finally go home.

He is in his element

He is in his element

Home sweet home

It was a great exciting weekend. We had our fun. The long way home was very exhausting and now I’m sick.

I tried to take pictures, but they all are blurred. I may need a better camera.

He enjoyed the white water, I dared something. Starting with level 1-2 and 2 to 3. And I just fell off the boat once!

We need some time to relax, get fit again. He is afraid to get sick, too. So at the moment he avoids me more or less.

Let’s go to the mountains

So we are good with each other again. Mostly.

At least we decided to go together, we will leave today and go Eastern Europe, paddling some river there. I’m looking forward, excited, thrilled, scared.

Weather shall be nice, warm and sunny. I hope the best and try to make some pictures to post here when I will be back 🙂

Have fun and a great weekend to everyone.

Above my own shadow

I surmounted my pride and asked him to talk things through.

Yesterday he was not at home, when I came from work, when I came back from running, after I ran an errand. A friend invited me to a barbecue. On my way there I texted my boyfriend, that I miss him, where I was going and that I texted him because I can communicate. He wrote back immediately and also when he was on the way home. We met at home and I did the first step to clean the air. But he just bombarded me with accusations.

I told him, that this is not helping and got the chance to prove him: he is sometimes not even listening what I tell because he is busy considering his answer while I’m still talking.

After all, now we have a better mood. But it seems he wants me to be more adventurous. He expects me to want to do things I don’t want to do. Quite tricky. I do as a feel comfortable with and even sometimes a little more, but I draw the line. He is just demanding, and not even a little cheering me up. He means so much to me, but we may have a big problem on this.

His hobby and the consequences

He is an enthusiastic  Alpine sportsman. He grew up surrounded by mountains. I like hiking. Sometimes he is OK with it, but generally he prefers activities with more thrill. I’m a little scared, but I try to join him as far as I dare.

While I enjoy running. Therefor I just need good shoes and can go running like everywhere. His hobby has more consequences and restrictions. I wouldn’t have chosen something that extensive (and thrilling), because

  • we always have to go to the mountains, make a trip
  • on the camping sites all-the-year we need the warmest winter jacket. Even in June there can be snow
  • we need a lot of equipment that is expensive to buy (he) or has to be reserved, picked up and brought back (me)
  • buying/lending equipment and the gas consumes quite some money
  • I also insist on more people coming with us, so someone can save me if necessary, that means more organisation is necessary

These were the most important issues. I quit climbing after about 1,5m. But I knew before. I can’t estimate distances and have already troubles going down irregular steps. Since it is very important to him to share common activities I started white water paddling. Therefor I need a club to borrow

  • boat
  • paddle
  • cagdeck
  • life jacket
  • wet suit or dry suit
  • a lot of bravery

He enjoys teaching me, but I sometimes feel like I always have to explain myself to him. Since I am a beginner I sometimes fall out the boat and hurt myself trying to swim to the shore. As long as I’m not good at handling the boatmanship I need a lot of strength – and regularly I run out after strength after some time. I hope when summer ins coming and I start swimming (not in white water), I will get strong arm and shoulder muscles (again).

back in blue and green

Finally I’m back again.

The weekend started great. I got all equipment I needed. Then a little break-down. I was afraid, I couldn’t handle the situation. I cried a lot. But it was not just my overwhelming, it was also most partly PMS, to be true.

He solved the problem by calling our course instructor about the program and it sounded like I can do it. On the day of departure I was in positive mood although it was raining all the time. I did my training. I was happy to come.

On the second day everything was still OK. I enjoyed the course, I just started missing him. On the camping site there is not too much privacy, but not even when we slept in the car we cuddled or kissed.

On the third day I had muscle soreness. Our group started in the afternoon, but after half of the training I felt so tired, my arms became tired, heavy, slow. I started making mistakes, hurting myself and my ego got a crack. This evening I was not so happy any more. And he still didn’t comfort me, cuddle with me.

On the last day I had a difficult decision to make, will I go on or should I pause. I told him about my sorrows and he left me for breakfast. I was sad, felt so alone. When packing up I chose to go on. At first I had a bad attitude and made some mistakes, but when going on my self-confidence came back and it was a good last day. But as soon as we were in the care on our way home he told me off. He doesn’t want me hear moaning any more, he said. I stopped talking. When we were almost at home he started this issue again, asked about my opinion. I told him, if he is not interested in what’s in my mind, I just won’t talk about it ever again. So he asked what’s in my mind and I told him that it was a difficult decision to make if I go on or pause, not just for myself but also because of the group. Because if I go on and get problems they will have the problem to get me back. I told him I needed his sympathy.

So we enclosed our argument, but since then there is more distance between us, still no cuddling, no kissing.

I’m all covered with bruises, every movement hurts. I need some time to recover, but I really miss him, even though he is right at home.