back in blue and green

Finally I’m back again.

The weekend started great. I got all equipment I needed. Then a little break-down. I was afraid, I couldn’t handle the situation. I cried a lot. But it was not just my overwhelming, it was also most partly PMS, to be true.

He solved the problem by calling our course instructor about the program and it sounded like I can do it. On the day of departure I was in positive mood although it was raining all the time. I did my training. I was happy to come.

On the second day everything was still OK. I enjoyed the course, I just started missing him. On the camping site there is not too much privacy, but not even when we slept in the car we cuddled or kissed.

On the third day I had muscle soreness. Our group started in the afternoon, but after half of the training I felt so tired, my arms became tired, heavy, slow. I started making mistakes, hurting myself and my ego got a crack. This evening I was not so happy any more. And he still didn’t comfort me, cuddle with me.

On the last day I had a difficult decision to make, will I go on or should I pause. I told him about my sorrows and he left me for breakfast. I was sad, felt so alone. When packing up I chose to go on. At first I had a bad attitude and made some mistakes, but when going on my self-confidence came back and it was a good last day. But as soon as we were in the care on our way home he told me off. He doesn’t want me hear moaning any more, he said. I stopped talking. When we were almost at home he started this issue again, asked about my opinion. I told him, if he is not interested in what’s in my mind, I just won’t talk about it ever again. So he asked what’s in my mind and I told him that it was a difficult decision to make if I go on or pause, not just for myself but also because of the group. Because if I go on and get problems they will have the problem to get me back. I told him I needed his sympathy.

So we enclosed our argument, but since then there is more distance between us, still no cuddling, no kissing.

I’m all covered with bruises, every movement hurts. I need some time to recover, but I really miss him, even though he is right at home.

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